My Husband is 43 and I am Freaking Out!

Today my husband turns 43. It should be like any other birthday. It should be about celebrating and having fun with the family. However it is not. It is only scary.

You see, my own father died when he was 43 and I was 9.
My husband is 43 now, and I do have a 9 year old.
My kids would be devastated if we lost him.
I can not even imagine what we would do.

I feel like from here on out I am just going to be waiting for the other shoe to drop. I know it is possible. Probable, no. Possible, yes!

I don't want my kids to be scared their dad is going to die any day like mine did, so I try to act normal. This is no small feat. It is torture actually. Not being able to scream and cry and will him not to be 43 is difficult.

My mother lived nearly 30 years after my father died. I do not want to walk around on this earth for 30 years without my husband. I have been with him my entire adult life. The thought of it makes me nervous and tense. Again probable, no. But possible, yes.

I need to find a way to spin this another way. Maybe be grateful for every extra day I get with him that mom didn't get with dad. Maybe give him lots of love and thank God for keeping him here with me. I really do not know how I am going to not think about losing him constantly, but I need to find a way, because at the moment, I have a permanent lump in my throat choking out all my joy with worry.

I realize worrying does no good, that this fear is irrational, and that I can not live this way, but the panic will not leave me alone.

God willing, the fear will pass, I will get used to his age and live life to the fullest, together with him!

Do you have a gripping irrational fear of someone close to you dying young?

Sunday Night Shenanigans

I don't know what it is about Sunday night. It seems like no matter how early I make dinner, no matter how well I plan, it is still waaaaaaaaaay past bedtime and the kids are still awake.
There are backpacks to pack. There is laundry to fold. There is homework. There are baths that need taking.

Somehow these things take all damn night. Dinner, homework, baths, laundry, backpacks. Repeat weekly. It never gets easier and never runs any smoother.

Then it is time for snack. Then teeth brushing. This should take 10 minutes, so we start a half hour before reading time. Are they done by then? No way! Whenever we get done, we read to the girls and the older kids read to themselves.....if they ever make it that far. Usually not. Just a lot of screwing around while I read to the girls or their dad does because I am in the shower or doing some other chore.

We finish reading to the girls, a half hour after bedtime, and the older kids are still screwing around. We tell them to go to sleep. Suddenly, everyone needs to fill up their water bottles. Because they could not do this while they were having their snack???? Oh, the ice cube trays are empty. Lets fill them. Oh look, I found something I want in the fridge, lets quick eat that. Now I am sticky, I need to wash my hands!

Everyone is back into bed. The oldest girl comes out to tell me something. Something important that could not wait. Something she could not tell me the last 2 or mare days we were all together at home. It's about a video game! WOW! IMPORTANT! I am so glad you came out here to tell me that!

Then the girls NEED me to come in their room.What? Put this bunny in my backpack. OK. The other girl yells from her room next. She is scared. The other one is cold. The other one has a tummy ache. On and On and On. Back and forth. It's a contest to see which of the two has a bigger problem. 1045-still awake. Nearly 2 hours after lights out.

And this is why I hate Sunday night worse than any other night!

How do your Sunday nights work out for you?

Orphan at 38

The word orphan is defined as a child who's parents are dead. That would describe me. Although I am an adult, I will always be my parents child, and both of them are gone. I have received some arguments by some when I have called myself this, but still, it's the way I feel. That can not be changed.

It seems odd but the only family I have left from my growing up years is my sisters. I have no parents or grandparents. I don't see my sisters much but I am blessed to at least still have them and I think of them often and we talk or text on occasion. We can all be orphans together.

Three of my grandparents died when I was a child. My maternal grandmother died a few years ago.

My father died suddenly when I was 9 years old. I find this difficult to believe still to this day. Making it even harder is the fact that I have a 9 year old and I think it would devastate him to lose his father.

My mother remarried when I was 13 and I spent the next 4 years just trying to get through it. It felt so off and wrong to have someone else taking my father's place, so I  willed myself to not care and just get through 4 years. I was never close to my step father. Although we now get along, I will never consider him my parent. I do however allow my kids to call him grandpa because he has been around since their birth.

I met my husband at age 17 and started to focus more on him and our life but I remained close to my mother.

We lost mom just as suddenly in May. It was shocking and I instantly felt abandoned, an orphan.

 She was a proud grandma to my 5 kids as well as all of my 4 sisters kids and one of her granddaughters kids. She adored all of the kids.

She had a gift for making me feel better whenever I was mad. I would call her, tell her all the shit, and she would loudly reply "oh, for the Christ sakes!" Nobody says that, but it was moms thing. She listened then after I was done dumping all my anger on her she made me laugh and I felt better, even though nothing was ever solved. I will never have that again.

My mom was this for me

She was also my biggest fan. She read everything I have ever written, bragged about my accomplishments, and was so proud of everything I ever did right in this life. In October I get a job for the first time in 13 years. I spent the day not feeling happy or proud and I could not figure out why. Then it dawned on me. I could not call my mom. I could not receive her praise and approval. She was not here to see me do such a hard thing. I was very sad about that. She was a lot like me in the way that she had very extreme emotional  responses to the good and the bad in life. When she was mad she was very mad and when she was happy she was very happy. I knew her reaction would have been the best one and I missed out on that. I remember the day I told her I was having twins. She nearly started doing jumping jacks and I found out later she told everyone who would listen. She called often to see how it was going during the pregnancy and when they were born she again announced it to anyone who would listen. There isn't a person alive I am ever going to get that same validation from ever again.I can't accept that. I often find myself needing to tell her something before I remember that I can not. It kills me every time.

The day she died I had one hour to wrap my head around the fact that she was on her way to the hospital before I found out she didn't make it. I spent the day bawling my head off then went straight to anger. Those seven stages of grief: [shock or disbelief, denial, bargaining, guilt, anger, depression, and acceptance/hope] are a load of crap to me. I experienced shock, skipped denial, bargaining, and guilt, and went straight to anger and I am still stuck there. I doubt I will ever go through depression over it and may never make it to acceptance. Everything that reminds me of her makes me mad. Seeing older people, not being able to call her, seeing pictures of her, having friends with parents, feeling my kids are being cheated, seeing my husbands parents, her house and her things. All of it makes me nothing but mad. I am mad she missed grandparents day and dance recital weeks before she died. MAD is all I am right now. Any reminder of her existence only makes me mad.

I am not sure how I am ever going to do life without mom, but I have been. It is just so much harder than if she was here. Will I ever get over the mad? Who's to say? For now, though, it is the only thing I can feel about it all.

Has anyone else out there lost both parents before the age of 40? Do you feel cheated? How do you cope?

After 13 Years as a SAHM I Reentered the Work Force

When my youngest children started Kindergarten last year I began searching for a job that would allow me to still be home when my kids are. I needed this because my husband is gone all week and many Saturdays. I want to be able to make meals for the kids, take them to their activities, and help them with homework. I soon found out that very few jobs like that exist. I didn't find a single job outside of the home that did not require evenings or weekends. Then I began searching for work at home opportunities. I did not want my own business, so that eliminated half of everything I found. The other half were eliminated because I did not meet the minimum education requirements. I had no interest in working at a school. I get very stressed out around a lot of children. Plus they are so germy. I don't even like my own kids germs.

Then, last December I found out about a home assembly job with a local factory from a friend of mine. It is 29 hrs per week. They were not currently hiring for those positions so I asked her to let me know when they were hiring again. Finally at the beginning of October she told me they were hiring. I applied and crossed my fingers. I received a call from them on October 23rd and was hired. I was very nervous to start this new venture after so many years off. I began work on October 26th.

It has been a hard adjustment for me but I feel it is the best fit for me. There are many advantages. It allows me to be here for my kids and work while they are asleep or at school. I choose the hours I will complete my work. I can make appointments for whenever I need to and make up the work at another time. It is pretty easy and self explanatory. I make extra family income. The kids see me working. I have a boost in my self esteem because I no longer feel like I am "just a mom" and that I am contribution to society. Also, working has put a lot of things in perspective for me. I don't spend much time focusing on petty inconsequential things and I find my "time off" more sacred and enjoyable. There are, however, disadvantages also. I don't find a lot of time to eat, sleep, or do activities I like to do on the days I work. I am having a hard time finding any time to write. I am tired and stressed out a lot of the time. Chores get put on the back burner until the work for my job is completed.

It seems like the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. I have gotten into a good routine in the four weeks I have worked and pretty soon I am sure I will be well adjusted to the demands of being both an employee and also a mother to five school aged kids. This is going to be good! I can feel it!

Tell me, did you enter the work force after many years at home with littles, do you stay at home currently, or have you always worked? How do you make it work?

Happy Maxed-Out Minivanniversary to me!

October 22nd my blog turned one! In a year I have written 96 posts, and my blog has been visited nearly 12,000 times and my Facebook page page has 436 likes. 461 people follow me on Twitter. I have been published by Mamalode twice and featured on a few link-ups, #20 on 1000 Voices Speak for Compassion, and #11 on A GAL NEEDS and also recognized for a funny tweet I wrote #7 on Birthday Party Parade. I even had a meme I created get over 20,000 views. A big deal for me.  I realize many bloggers are much farther than I am after a year, but I need to start somewhere, and keep working and hopefully my blogging success will continue to grow. No matter what my success has or hasn't been I am very proud of my writing and my ability to stick with it. I hope for much more success in the coming year. Thank you everyone who has supported my blog and I hope you have gotten something out of it. Here is my most popular post for your reading pleasure.

Cheers to one year and to many more! 

It's Official, I'm the Mother of a Teen!

My first born child turned 13 yesterday. I don't know where the years went. I can remember bringing him home from the hospital. I can remember when he got potty trained. I can remember his first day of preschool, kindergarten, and middle school. Yet here I am with a 13 year old child! The time has passed so quickly and I fear the next 5 1/2 years until he will be graduating and moving away will go even that much quicker. It makes me sad. Proud yes, but mostly sad. I am not ready for this. I don't want to give him over to the world. I want to hold and protect him, but I fear those days are mostly gone. My job now is to prepare him for the big scary world out there.

Every other year from here on out I will be adding a teenager, then I will be saying goodbye to one or two of them every 1-3 years after that. The year my twins turn 13 is the year my oldest graduates. I will no longer be dealing with little kid issues, instead I will be dealing with big kid or adult issues.

6 years from now my life will look totally different. I wonder how I will function on a daily basis. I wonder what my responsibilities will be. Mostly, I wonder if the kids will be okay and if I will be able to deal with all the issues that arise when dealing with teenagers. I really hope that I am up for the challenge. Times, they are a-changing! We can all face this challenge together and hopefully come out triumphant on the other side.

How did you deal with the transition when your kid went from kid to teen?

My Husband is in Love With the Maid!

I have recently discovered that my husband is in love with the maid. It took some figuring out, but when I did, I could totally see why. I was not a bit bothered, actually, because she is amazing! Here is how it happened.

A few days ago I was standing in the kitchen with my husband and I asked him if he could do me a favor. He replied "I will do anything you want." I said "I just want you to hand me the greek seasoning, but since you offered I would like a new van, a maid, a chef, a personal shopper, a tutor to help with the kids homework, and a chauffeur to take the kids where they need to go." He said "Okay, I better just work 24/7 then." I told him I was kidding and that I was just making a point that he COULDN'T possibly do anything I want.

After he went into the living room he said. "That must be hard not to have those things. I have a maid, chef, personal shopper, and chauffeur and tutor for the kids-you."

WOW, I am all those things! I never thought of it like that before.

It then occurred to me how amazing that would be. When we both worked and had no kids we cleaned shopped and cooked equally. Then when I began staying home, those things became my responsibility. I also had all the childcare tasks to deal with. I never really minded, it was my "job" after all, but it sometimes becomes too much to take.

I never got to experience what it would be like to go to work and come home, and not have to worry about anything else at all. A hot meal is ready to enjoy every night. Food is always stocked if you get hungry. Daily chores are always completed. Laundry is always clean (if not folded). You never have to worry about running out of shampoo, toilet paper or soap. The water softener always has salt. The cats always have food and litter. The kids are fed, clothed, bathed and homework completed. They have been to activities. It all happens as if by magic. Poof!

Of course my husband funds it all, I just think I can't imagine the roles being reversed. Who but a mom could keep on top of it all. Day in and day out. Everything gets done.

That is when I realized my worth. Many times I feel like I am not worth anything, except I am. I am indispensable really. It is almost as if they all get to be on vacation every day (except for the little nuisance of work and school) and come on over to Hotel Mom every night. No wonder they all love me so damn much. It is because I am soooooooo amazing, as are all the other moms out there!

My husband is in love with the maid (me), and I don't blame him one little bit!