Motherhood:What it Means to Me

Motherhood is painful, scary, and unpredictable.

Motherhood is body changing, life giving, and life altering.

Motherhood is little hands, little feet, and big hearts.

Motherhood is late nights and early mornings.

Motherhood is cuddles, kisses, and hugs.

Motherhood is soft, comforting, and precious.

Motherhood is creating, discovering, and exploring.

Motherhood is anger, yelling, and apologies.

Motherhood is compassion, support, and forgiveness.

Motherhood is hellos, goodbyes, coming, and going.

Motherhood is joyful, peaceful, and graceful.

Motherhood is school programs, football games, and dance recitals.

Motherhood is powerful, all encompassing, and soul searching.

Motherhood is overwhelming, disappointing, and bewildering.

Motherhood is tickles, laughter, and rosy cheeks.

Motherhood is hard, confusing, and frustrating.

Motherhood is wonderful, exhilarating, and fulfilling.

Motherhood is tiring, thankless, and heartbreaking.

Motherhood is holding on and letting go.

Motherhood is lonely, sacrifice, and expensive.

Motherhood is giggles, smiles, and games.

Motherhood is dance parties, picnics, and trips.

Motherhood is busy, crazy, and scheduled.

Motherhood is goofy, silly, and sweet.

Motherhood is beautiful, important, and magical.

Motherhood is emotional, brutal, and  frightening.

Motherhood is messy, irritating, and cluttered.

Motherhood is forts, movies, and talks.

Motherhood is everything, indescribable, and priceless.

Motherhood is love!

Motherless on Mother's Day

The past few weeks I have not been doing well. I just started feeling out of sorts. I was angry and/or sad very often and could not figure out why. I felt irritated much of the time. Then I saw a Mother's Day post and it dawned on me. That was what was upsetting me. I am about to celebrate my first Mother's Day without a mom. She left this earth shortly after last Mother's Day.

Every time I see a Mother's day commercial or Facebook post I get angry and it all seems so unfair. I don't want to do Mother's Day without my mom here. Why does everyone else have a mom except me? Obviously, that is not the truth, but it sure feels that way. I get angry when I see very old ladies. Why do they still get to be alive but not my mama?

I told my friend about my feeling about this and she acted like I was being selfish. Maybe I am. Isn't it okay to be selfish every now and then? I told her I would like to just skip Sunday altogether. I want to go to bed Saturday and wake up Monday and just skip it.

I realize that I am a mom and my kids want to celebrate me, but I just don't know how I am going to do it. I have seen them sneaking off to their rooms to make me gifts. My daughter has a weekly schedule written on the whiteboard. For Saturday it says: Making and buying gifts for mama. I feel like crying whenever I look at it for two reasons: because it makes me sad I don't have my mom, and from guilt over not being happy and joy filled reading how much my kids love me in those words. They have asked me what I want for a gift. I tell them I want my mom. They are dumbfounded because that is just something they can not deliver. They talk excitedly about the day we will have. I am worried. I want to be happy and enjoy my kids and the joy and happiness they feel over it. I just don't know if I can. I am not sure I can paste on a smile and be happy for their sakes. Furthermore, I don't really want to. I want to lay in my bed and cry for my own mama. I know that would be the wrong approach.

I am stuck. I love my kids but I really miss my mom!

Are you facing your first Mother's Day without your mama? How are you planning to cope?