A guest post by an anonymous writer, which will be an ongoing series.
Please join us on her journey!
Throughout this journey, from the time I was diagnosed until today, I have received many kinds of support from many people. I have not only received support from friends and family but also acquaintances, support group leaders and members and even strangers.
I have never been a "needy" person. I learned to cope mostly by myself from a young age (relying mainly on myself and God). This is partly in response to life circumstances, being disappointed by others inability to help, and party due to my lack of courage to ask for help.
Please join us on her journey!
Throughout this journey, from the time I was diagnosed until today, I have received many kinds of support from many people. I have not only received support from friends and family but also acquaintances, support group leaders and members and even strangers.
I have never been a "needy" person. I learned to cope mostly by myself from a young age (relying mainly on myself and God). This is partly in response to life circumstances, being disappointed by others inability to help, and party due to my lack of courage to ask for help.
My experience with breast cancer has forced me to ask for help with certain things. Additionally, my willingness to share my story has resulted in many people reaching out to help me without my asking. It was these unprompted offers that have meant the most.
When people are faced with a person in need - any need - many do not know what to say or do, so they do nothing. I am here to tell you that saying or doing nothing is the worst thing a person can do. There have been times throughout this journey that I felt like no one cared. These were times when no one was saying or doing anything. It is a lonely journey at times. These were the times I relied most on God. So even in these lonely times, there was a gift - a gift of hope, a gift of joy, and a gift of remembering who loves me unconditionally, throughout all circumstances. However, without fail, whenever I started to feel (once again) that it was just me and God, someone came through for me.
Here are some things that you can do for someone facing breast cancer (or any surgery, illness or hardship, for that matter):
- Send a text or card to say "I'm thinking of you" or "How are you doing?" or "when is your next surgery/treatment/test/appointment?" A lot of words are not necessary. Just knowing someone is thinking of you, praying for you or willing to help means more than you know. - I received several cards and continue to receive meaningful texts.
- Offer to bring a meal or send a gift card for a restaurant. - Many meals were provided after my first surgery so I could focus on healing.
- Offer child care, especially after surgery - countless friends have taken my kids for appointments, support groups, or just to give me a break. Additionally, two of my sisters came for a week each just to be there to drive my kids to activities, do morning routines, play, do bedtimes, baths or anything I did not feel up to doing.
- Buy a practical gift related to the treatment such as comfy pajamas for recovery or self-care items - One of my most thoughtful gifts was a spa basket I received after my diagnosis. My friend met me at preschool pick up and brought me a coffee and a basket filled with bath salts, a candle, lavender infused socks, a spa mask, and lavender soap.
- Offer to help with personal care after surgery. - After my mastectomy I had three women come to help me with my drains. I also had 4 people signed up to help me wash my hair (help I did not end up needing).
- Offer to help with practical things: cleaning, laundry, driving kids to activities, school drop off or pick up - On bad days I did have people pick my kids up from school. I also had offers for cleaning and laundry I did not need to utilize.
- Visit - I had a plethora of visitors the first few days after my surgery. A few brought me a special lunch. One brought me a book. One brought fruit for my kids. A few brought me a coffee.
- Send a "downtime" gift for recovery - One friend sent me a movie gift card to download movies to watch during recovery.
- Send a treat - three of my old roommates got together and baked cookies for me and my kids and sent them to me from many states away. In addition to the cookies, they included little gifts for my kids, downtime activities for me (adult coloring books), spa items, etc.
- Listen. Don't underestimate the power of an ear. Openness to hear the challenges (and victories) means a lot - there are a few friends and sisters I could text or call to cry or vent when something unexpected happened, I was frustrated with the process or celebrating a victory.
- Laugh with them. A person facing breast cancer treatment doesn't want to focus on it 24/7. Time to cut loose, have fun and laugh is a must. I have a few friends, and my sisters when they visited, who I could go out for a gooey dessert, go to a movie, or laugh with. Having fun is a must. My kids helped with that every day, too. Kids are HILARIOUS. I can't believe how many jokes I sent to people about my boobs! I also have one very hilarious fellow support group member who can always make me laugh. She is also one person who consistently checks on me!
- Anything else that you can think of. Think about the particular person you want to help. Think about how they are wired. Do something that fits them! - My MOPS group took it upon themselves to create a list of MANY things they were willing to do and had the steering team pass it around. It was so very generous - too generous. I did not need help with many of the things they volunteered for, but I was so touched by their generosity.
None of this is easy. All of it is a risk. But it is a risk worth taking, It might seem scary or vulnerable, and it can be. In the end, though, the result is much more significant than you could ever imagine!
In two weeks I am having my reconstructive surgery with fat grafting (July 12). Looking back on how much has already been done for me, I don't feel worthy to receive another thing from anyone. It is SO difficult to ask. Yet, I have asked for what I need, and I would like to thank everyone for all of the help and kindness. I could not and can not get through this without all of the support. I am more than grateful!
One of my favorite things is to help others. I look for opportunities to serve and when I recognize a need I can fill (I know I miss a lot of them), I see it as a blessing and a way to show love to others. Both serving and being served is a blessing. The latter has been very difficult for me in many ways. This season of life has allowed me to let go of my self-sufficiency enough to accept the blessing of being served and making myself vulnerable enough to accept love. I am so grateful for this experience in many areas. This is only one. I pray that I can bless others even a fraction of the extent that I have been blessed.
One of my favorite things is to help others. I look for opportunities to serve and when I recognize a need I can fill (I know I miss a lot of them), I see it as a blessing and a way to show love to others. Both serving and being served is a blessing. The latter has been very difficult for me in many ways. This season of life has allowed me to let go of my self-sufficiency enough to accept the blessing of being served and making myself vulnerable enough to accept love. I am so grateful for this experience in many areas. This is only one. I pray that I can bless others even a fraction of the extent that I have been blessed.
Read other posts in this series:
