Friday, March 22, 2019

I Am Not Strong!



A guest post by an anonymous writer, which will be an ongoing series. Please join us on her journey!


There are a few things I keep hearing over and over:
  • You are so strong!
  • You are so brave! 
  • You are so positive! 
Let me tell you a secret - I am none of those things. Perhaps in moments, I am those things. When I am, it is not me that is strong, brave or positive - it is Christ in me!

This verse expresses it best. 2 Corinthians 12:9
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is perfected in weakness.” Therefore, I will most gladly boast all the more about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may reside in me

Here is the amplified version, which explains the meaning all the more:
He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you [My lovingkindness and My mercy are more than enough—always available—regardless of the situation]; for [My] power is being perfected [and is completed and shows itself most effectively] in [your] weakness.”Therefore, I will all the more gladly boast in my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ [may completely enfold me and] may dwell in me.


Furthermore, it occurred to me recently that resignation can look like strength and apathy can look like optimism, on the surface. I hate to say it, but many days I feel resigned that bad things will, in fact, happen - not maybe, absolutely. This resignation is a sort of acceptance and may look like strength because I am not "falling apart".

Similarly, many days I really do not care - I am apathetic. I am not complaining or having a pity party, though. So some may assume I am being positive. The truth is I am just putting one foot in front of the other.

I am not sure what brave looks like. Maybe brave looks like willingly doing what needs to be done to get to the other side. To me, this is just survival!

Do I want to be strong, brave, and positive? Yes, I do. And maybe one day I will see, in hindsight that I was those things during this time. I certainly have moments. But I also have moments of fear, resignation, and apathy. In these moments I hold on to these verses about perseverance: 

Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him. James 1:12 

We also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. Romans 5:3-4 

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.James 1:2-4

I am not even sure some days whether I will get to a better place or not. However, I am hopeful and one thing I do know for sure is that I am a survivor and God has protected me in many ways during this process. We shall see what I learn from this in hindsight someday down the road!



Tuesday, March 5, 2019

Timing is Everything!!



A guest post by an anonymous writer, which will be an ongoing series. 
Please join us on her journey!

February 11-25 turned my life upside down! However, God's providence was evident!

The evening of Monday, February 11, I was having chest and arm pain while making dinner rushing around getting ready to bring my daughter to gymnastics. The pain was acute for a few minutes and I got very hot. By the time I arrived at gymnastics less than half an hour later, it was a minor dull pain and my arms felt like I was carrying something heavy. This pain continued on and off all week. Friday morning I decided to call my family doctor to get checked just in case. I knew they administered EKGs so I knew they could determine if I should go to the ER. I was able to get an appointment that afternoon. The EKG showed abnormal and provided several possible reasons - one being possible ischemia (reduced blood flow), which can indicate a blockage, so I was sent to the ER.

The ER doctor assured me that most chest pain is caused by something minor and not to worry. A blood draw was taken and I was given a chest XRay, Heart CT and another EKG. I was told less than an hour after I came in that I was being admitted. The blood draw showed troponin, which is only present after a cardiac event. 

I was admitted and given an echocardiogram (heart ultrasound). All tests take came back within normal ranges. By the time I was admitted it was Friday night around 6:30. I was told it is likely a problem that needs more in-depth testing to diagnose and Monday morning I will be given a heart MRI and angiogram. The most likely causes given my symptoms were thought to be a minor heart attack of unknown cause or inflammation of the heart, often caused by a virus.  I would not have been surprised by a virus-caused problem given how many times I have been hospitalized this past year for breast cancer surgeries. 

Monday the tests showed the cause to be Spontaneous Coronary Arterial Dissection (SCAD). In lay terms this is a tear in the coronary artery. In my case, two tears. I was transferred by ambulance to another hospital with a heart unit and saw the cardiac team Tuesday morning. At this point I was told they wanted to monitor me and medically manage the tears, as one was irreparable and the other was showing good blood flow and healing. 

Tuesday night, I had a major pain episode and was rushed to heart cath for another angiogram. This showed that the irreparable tear had torn further. I was transferred to the Critical Care Unit, put on IV nitrogycerin and sedated to aid in healing/prevent adrenaline etc. After this treatment I was put on an IV betablocker for a half a day to see how I would tolerate a very low dose. Saturday at my previous hospital I had a vey bad reaction to a betablocker, where my heart rate would not come back up from high 40's/low 50s. The IV betablocker was to determine the best dose for me that my body could tolerate. 

Based on when troponin levels peaked, the initial event happened between Thurs night at 5pm and Fri morning at 5 am. The doctor said he believed that was accurate based on the amount of healing that had occured by the time I had the angiogram on Monday February 18.

Here is where the timing blows me away!  If I had went in earlier than Friday, troponin levels would not have been elevated. Since other tests came back normal, I would have been sent home and could have died. I would have told myself "they said I was fine" and not went back in. I believe God allowed me to wait. I beleive the Holy Spirit was guiding me when to go in! All the drugs I was given initially (at my stay at the first hospital) may have saved my life. If I did not go in at all, I could have died.

I had a heart view screening scheduled Friday February 23. It would have showed nothing and I would have assumed I was fine. (since my heart CT scan showed normal and it is similar). I am so grateful that I went in when I did. This whole experience was another reminder how I have always been led by the Holy Spirit. God has always been faithful to me - guiding me, protecting me, comforting me. This time was no exception!







Saturday, February 2, 2019

Beyond Circumstances



A guest post by an anonymous writer, which will be an ongoing series. 
Please join us on her journey!

Grace. Comfort. Hope. Joy. Peace. They are all waiting for us to claim them despite our circumstances. I have recently been having a hard time adjusting to life as a cancer survivor as well as circumstances in my life that I would rather not be dealing with, namely several recent losses of relationship I was not expecting. It has thrown me into stage of believing lies about myself and has severely shaken my confidence. I KNOW the truth about myself in my head, but that is hard to translate to my heart - to really believe and feel the truth, DESPITE my circumstances and it has gotten me to think about how difficult circumstances are not the definer of our lives. We can move beyond our circumstances and experience peace and joy even in the midst of them. 

We are not stuck because of our circumstances. 
"We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps". Proverbs 16:9

We spend our whole lives thinking we are in control. So when things happen that we think we should have control over, it throws us off balance. The good news is that our plans are not God's plans. If he has better for us, our plans mean nothing. In fact, our plans often fall through for a purpose. We will not always know the purpose, but there is a purpose!

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us" (The Holy Spirit) Ephesians 3:20

If we remember that we are not God and he can do MUCH more than we could ever ask or imagine with our circumstances, that can give us hope. We can get unstuck and not focus on our circumstances, but on the potential for great things, possibly BECAUSE of our circumstances. Maybe we are supposed to learn something. Or maybe we are supposed to grow in humility. Whatever the case, God is doing something.

"We do not know what to do, but our eyes are on you" 2 Chronicles 2:20

When we are lost and do not know what to do, God still knows. God can do anything, especially if we keep our eyes on him, look to him for help and rely on him.

God is not limited by our choices.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose" Romans 8:28

God is not surprised by our circumstances. God knows every minute detail of our lives before it occurs. He also knows how he is going to use it for good - maybe for us or for someone else. However, regardless in what way he uses it, there is no wasted experience we face. As long as we love him, he will use it for good, to grow us (or someone else) closer to him. Our choices do not limit God. He gives us incomprehensible grace in our lives.

"We rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us" Romans 5:3-5

God knows better than we do. 
"'For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways', declares the Lord. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts'" Isaiah 55:8-9

This verse has always given me comfort. It reminds me that God is sovereign. He knows much better than I do about me, my life and my circumstances. He is God and I am not.

We can have joy, peace and hope despite our circumstances.
Now Faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. 
Hebrews 11:1

May the God of Hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit" Romans 15:13

The Holy Spirit is at work ALL THE TIME in those who believe. Even when I am at my worst he shows me grace and gives me moments of joy, fills me with peace when I should be in despair, if only for moments, and  shows me the way. I am made to show his love to others. That can be done regardless of my circumstances.





Tuesday, January 15, 2019

The Importance of a Good Medical Team


A guest post by an anonymous writer, which will be an ongoing series. 
Please join us on her journey!

As I am now in the "monitoring" stage of my recovery, I have been reflecting more on the medical aspect of my journey, especially because I see the medical professionals so seldom now and am missing them. They became such a part of my life during the treatment portion that it can feel like another loss at times. I have come to appreciate even more the importance of a good medical team. It is rare to find one great doctor, but even more rare to be blessed with an entire team of great practitioners!

If you have to face a medical issue, it is very important to choose a team that you trust and feel supported by. If that is your case, choose carefully and do your research to get a team you deserve and that you are confident in. In my case, all of my doctors were referrals. My OB, who was notified of my cancer after the first abnormal biopsy referred me to my oncologist and the team was referred to me by my oncologist.

I have been richly blessed in this aspect of my journey, having been given an amazing medical team. Given the nature of the medical profession, with doctors not being paid well by insurance, necessity to see many patients and therefore have little time with them, it is understandable when doctors do not seem supportive or invested in each patient. This has not been the case for me. All have been outstanding. Seven specific individuals (and numerous others for mammograms, tests and many medical staff) stand out as those people who have made this journey as smooth and easy as could be expected: Dr. Brandon Riggan, my OB; Kelly Lawson, Breast Health Nurse Navigator; Dr. Pat Whitworth, my Surgical Oncologist; Norma Krantz, my Nurse Practitioner who I see for most appointments; Andrea Cooper, Occupational Therapist who specializes in lymphedema; Dr. Steve Dunesing, my Chiropractor and Dr. Daniel Hatef, my Plastic Surgeon.

Dr. Brandon Riggan, my OB referred me for my first mammogram at age 40. My second mammogram, eight months later, a follow up from the first, was the time that the calcifications that were detected on my first mammogram were possibly suspicious and I was sent for a biopsy. Those results were sent to my OB and he called me personally with the results. He told me the news gently and with compassion. I have seen him several times since, and he is always concerned with my health and pays attention to where I am on my cancer journey.

Following the call from my OB, I received a call from Kelly Lawson, Breast Health Nurse Navigator. She answered my questions and referred me to my Surgical Oncologist. I was seen by him promptly after initial diagnosis (DCIS). Since then, I have called her many times and she has always been helpful and supportive. Recently she called me to check on me and see how I am doing and where I am on my journey.

Dr. Pat Whitworth has been named a Top Doctor in his field and it is obvious why. He is very knowledgeable and took a conservative approach, which I appreciated. From my first appointment, he was thorough, compassionate and made sure I understood everything about my condition. He made sure to run many tests after my initial diagnosis to get a clear picture of my specific cancer, including hormone and genetic testing and biopsies. He was honest with me about my options and welcomed me getting a second opinion. He performed my surgery with precision and excellence and as a result I had minimal pain, fast healing and quick muscular recovery.

Norma Krantz, who I see for most follow up appointments, and who worked with Dr. Whitworth during diagnosis and prognosis is also knowledgeable, compassionate and thorough. I am completely confident that in the case of a recurrence, she would catch it early. She listens, takes time to answer questions and has a great bedside manner.

Andrea Cooper, who I saw directly before surgery and continue to see for follow up, is also an excellent practitioner. She has a great sense of humor, so appointments are enjoyable as well as thorough. She made sure I understood exercises post-mastectomy and signs of lymphedema. 

My chiropractor, Dr. Steve Duensing has also been integral in this journey. I saw him directly before and after each surgery. I also see him for supplements that help with healing and inflammation. He is personable, kind, compassionate and even invited my family to his lake house to use his canoes when spring comes.

The doctor who I have had the most contact with is Dr. Daniel Hatef, my plastic surgeon. Like Dr. Whitworth, he has also received awards for his excellence. I have always felt like I was in good hands with him for my reconstruction. At my first appointment with him, he explained my options thoroughly, answered my questions and did not pressure me to make one specific decision, as I had a few options. He has also been honest about the limitations he had for reconstruction (namely the lack of fat for fat grafting). He has always struck me as a perfectionist, which gave me comfort that I would get the best result possible. He fully supported my decision to do bi-lateral mastectomy and worked with the insurance to make sure that it would be covered. He called me following my initial surgery to see how I was recovering and saw me every 1-4 weeks since February.

After my initial reconstruction (tissue expanders) I had a complication, which he took very seriously and did everything he could to help it clear up (and it did). Likewise, after another complication as a result of my second reconstruction surgery, he went above and beyond to address it, personally, even when he had no staff to help him. This is when I began to see how very much he cared and sees his patients as people. He saw me immediately and when it was obvious we would have to start over reconstruction on one side, scheduled it two days later. The day of surgery, insurance had not approved the repair. Rather than send me home and wait for it to be approved, he and his wife, along with other hospital staff, spent hours on the phone to get the insurance approved for surgery that day. He had to push back other surgeries and put me as a priority, given the situation. 

In October when I asked about twin to twin fat transfer (a possibility to use my twin sister's fat for the fat grafting step of reconstruction), he was immediately on board. He has been working with me on this since then and has taken a personal interest in making it a reality. It may or may not happen, but having his support has meant a lot to me, as I was afraid to even ask him about it.

Since July and through this last surgery, December 6, he has encouraged me on many occasions. He is always responsive when I have questions, returns messages promptly and is personally available for pressing issues. I have been able to be honest about my feelings about things (reconstruction, setbacks, etc) and he has taken them seriously (both practical and emotional concerns). He has been understanding about my frustrations and done what he could to ease my mind and normalize what I was going through. If he thought anything negative about my reactions to things, he definitely never expressed that or treated me with anything but kindness.

A few months ago when I was doubting whether I should have even had reconstruction, he listened and was very encouraging. He told me to please not doubt having gone through with reconstruction and not to feel it was superfluous. He has also told me he was proud of me on a few occasions. This is rare to find in a doctor.

Another rarity with a doctor is spiritual encouragement. On several occasions he has mentioned my faith, God's plan and prayer. This is a risky thing for a doctor to do and I was comforted by these things immensely. He has read my blog posts on occasion and has expressed finding them encouraging as well. I have so appreciated the vulnerability in this.

I will forever be grateful for the blessing of Dr. Hatef. He could easily give up reconstruction and other insurance cases altogether, given his skill level, and make a lot more money as a purely cosmetic surgeon. However, he chooses to get paid very little for these cases, and for that I am extremely grateful! 

I sincerely appreciate my whole medical team. This could be a lot more difficult to journey through with a less supportive team. I can really see God working and I will never forget what God has done in my life through them. I sincerely hope I will be able to keep in touch with them all. 

I am counting every blessing given to me on this journey. A great medical team is not the least of these!