A guest post by an anonymous writer, which will be an ongoing series.
Please join us on her journey!
We live in an appearance-obsessed culture. We change everything we can about ourselves to conform to some ideal image in our heads (whatever we can afford) from hair color, eye color, the length of our eyelashes or nails to more permanent things like cosmetic surgeries to "fix" everything that is wrong with us. We also buy trendy clothes, wear makeup and do everything possible to look like a better version of ourselves. My question is: aren't we ok just being ourselves? (and don't get me started on what we are teaching our daughters by buying into these messages that we are not good enough "as is". We think we are doing it "for fun" or some other reason but the truth is we have been brainwashed).
Luckily, I never bought in much to all these messages (though they are everywhere). I have never colored or highlighted my hair (except a radical color a few times in my life). In fact, I only ever get it cut 1-2 times a year! I do not get my nails done (except maybe a few times a year). I don't get fake eyelashes, do not need to wear trendy clothes (and usually don't...most of my clothes are 20 years old), and wear little to no makeup. I do not get botox or anything to "fix" my wrinkles and never thought I would get cosmetic surgery of any kind. My cesarean scar, stretch marks, and acne scars have never bothered me. I have always been comfortable in my own skin...until now. *(see disclaimer) After this surgery I feel disfigured and ugly for the first time on this journey. Not to mention the stress seems to have aged me 5 years.
It's been a little over two weeks since my burn repair surgery. During that surgery, the burn was sutured (huge scar), the implant was taken out and an empty expander placed (one flat boob). In a month the expander will start to be filled and the new implant will be placed in November or December. This may be my last surgery. Before this burn happened the plan was for a fat grafting surgery and possible adjustments. At this point, I have no idea when or if that is happening. I am so confused and really want to know a timeline and a plan.
After this surgery, I feel better about the burn but worse about what I look like. I am grateful to have a better (though incomplete) idea of when this will be complete. Having the burn felt like a never-ending journey. Not knowing any kind of plan or timeline was very daunting. However, I was very surprised to feel bad about my appearance, given I never really cared that much, at least for the last 10 years or so. I have been shocked every time I look in the mirror and have continued to cry about the entire situation. I did not know what I was going to wear with one flat boob for a month (which has now turned into six weeks before the expander begins to be filled). Luckily, I found a silicone bra insert I had and that has helped a lot, at least when clothed. But when I dress or shower all I see is scars and a disfigured, unattractive body.
This is so hard for me mostly because feeling this way (disfigured, unattractive) has been so unexpected. I honestly never thought I would feel this way, even if I had opted for no reconstruction. Part of this is because I haven't felt this way yet. So I never expected to. Since my first surgery, I had some volume from the expanders, plus my own skin and nipples and few visible scars. This surgery has been a sudden change to one large visible scar (where my burn was) and almost no volume on one side. Additionally, the contrast to the complete side is shocking!
Through this, I have continued to recognize and remind myself that I am not my body. What I look like is not "me". Me is something else entirely.
Don’t let your beauty consist of outward things like elaborate hairstyles and wearing gold jewelry or fine clothes, but rather what is inside the heart—the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.
We live in an appearance-obsessed culture. We change everything we can about ourselves to conform to some ideal image in our heads (whatever we can afford) from hair color, eye color, the length of our eyelashes or nails to more permanent things like cosmetic surgeries to "fix" everything that is wrong with us. We also buy trendy clothes, wear makeup and do everything possible to look like a better version of ourselves. My question is: aren't we ok just being ourselves? (and don't get me started on what we are teaching our daughters by buying into these messages that we are not good enough "as is". We think we are doing it "for fun" or some other reason but the truth is we have been brainwashed).
Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. Romans 12:2
Luckily, I never bought in much to all these messages (though they are everywhere). I have never colored or highlighted my hair (except a radical color a few times in my life). In fact, I only ever get it cut 1-2 times a year! I do not get my nails done (except maybe a few times a year). I don't get fake eyelashes, do not need to wear trendy clothes (and usually don't...most of my clothes are 20 years old), and wear little to no makeup. I do not get botox or anything to "fix" my wrinkles and never thought I would get cosmetic surgery of any kind. My cesarean scar, stretch marks, and acne scars have never bothered me. I have always been comfortable in my own skin...until now. *(see disclaimer) After this surgery I feel disfigured and ugly for the first time on this journey. Not to mention the stress seems to have aged me 5 years.
It's been a little over two weeks since my burn repair surgery. During that surgery, the burn was sutured (huge scar), the implant was taken out and an empty expander placed (one flat boob). In a month the expander will start to be filled and the new implant will be placed in November or December. This may be my last surgery. Before this burn happened the plan was for a fat grafting surgery and possible adjustments. At this point, I have no idea when or if that is happening. I am so confused and really want to know a timeline and a plan.
After this surgery, I feel better about the burn but worse about what I look like. I am grateful to have a better (though incomplete) idea of when this will be complete. Having the burn felt like a never-ending journey. Not knowing any kind of plan or timeline was very daunting. However, I was very surprised to feel bad about my appearance, given I never really cared that much, at least for the last 10 years or so. I have been shocked every time I look in the mirror and have continued to cry about the entire situation. I did not know what I was going to wear with one flat boob for a month (which has now turned into six weeks before the expander begins to be filled). Luckily, I found a silicone bra insert I had and that has helped a lot, at least when clothed. But when I dress or shower all I see is scars and a disfigured, unattractive body.
This is so hard for me mostly because feeling this way (disfigured, unattractive) has been so unexpected. I honestly never thought I would feel this way, even if I had opted for no reconstruction. Part of this is because I haven't felt this way yet. So I never expected to. Since my first surgery, I had some volume from the expanders, plus my own skin and nipples and few visible scars. This surgery has been a sudden change to one large visible scar (where my burn was) and almost no volume on one side. Additionally, the contrast to the complete side is shocking!
Through this, I have continued to recognize and remind myself that I am not my body. What I look like is not "me". Me is something else entirely.
Don’t let your beauty consist of outward things like elaborate hairstyles and wearing gold jewelry or fine clothes, but rather what is inside the heart—the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.
1 Peter 3:3-4
The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart. 1 Samuel 16:7b
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
Proverbs 31:30
Here are some videos for you. I couldn't decide this week. Scroll down to view them all.
Scars to Your Beautiful -
"You should know you're beautiful just the way you are. And you don't have to change a thing, the world could change its heart. No scars to your beautiful, we're stars and we're beautiful"
Beautifully Broken -
"Even a million scars doesn't change whose (God's) you are...
Oh, the god who made the stars
Is the god that made your heart
And he's holding you right now
He can heal the broken parts
And make beauty from the scars, the scars, Beautiful scars!"
I love her reference to scars. I feel like they can be emotional and physical scars. In my case they are both.
You Say -
"The only thing that matters now is everything You think of me
In You I find my worth, in You I find my identity"
Being a child of God - the one who made me - is my identity, not my earthly body. My body is temporary, a tool to use on this earth. This song is a great reminder of what God thinks of me and who He sees when he looks at me.
Who You Say I Am -
"In my Father’s house
There’s a place for me
I’m a child of God
Yes I am
am chosen
Not forsaken
I am who You say I am
You are for me
Not against me
I am who You say I am"
There’s a place for me
I’m a child of God
Yes I am
am chosen
Not forsaken
I am who You say I am
You are for me
Not against me
I am who You say I am"
Scars to Your Beautiful
Beautifully Broken
You Say
Who You Say I Am
* I do not judge other people who do these things. If it makes you happy, great. It just isn't for me and I do not find it necessary. God made you beautiful as is and you do not need to do these things.
Read other posts in this series:
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