Monday, November 30, 2015

Sunday Night Shenanigans

I don't know what it is about Sunday night. It seems like no matter how early I make dinner, no matter how well I plan, it is still waaaaaaaaaay past bedtime and the kids are still awake.
There are backpacks to pack. There is laundry to fold. There is homework. There are baths that need taking.

Somehow these things take all damn night. Dinner, homework, baths, laundry, backpacks. Repeat weekly. It never gets easier and never runs any smoother.

Then it is time for snack. Then teeth brushing. This should take 10 minutes, so we start a half hour before reading time. Are they done by then? No way! Whenever we get done, we read to the girls and the older kids read to themselves.....if they ever make it that far. Usually not. Just a lot of screwing around while I read to the girls or their dad does because I am in the shower or doing some other chore.

We finish reading to the girls, a half hour after bedtime, and the older kids are still screwing around. We tell them to go to sleep. Suddenly, everyone needs to fill up their water bottles. Because they could not do this while they were having their snack???? Oh, the ice cube trays are empty. Lets fill them. Oh look, I found something I want in the fridge, lets quick eat that. Now I am sticky, I need to wash my hands!

Everyone is back into bed. The oldest girl comes out to tell me something. Something important that could not wait. Something she could not tell me the last 2 or mare days we were all together at home. It's about a video game! WOW! IMPORTANT! I am so glad you came out here to tell me that!

Then the girls NEED me to come in their room.What? Put this bunny in my backpack. OK. The other girl yells from her room next. She is scared. The other one is cold. The other one has a tummy ache. On and On and On. Back and forth. It's a contest to see which of the two has a bigger problem. 1045-still awake. Nearly 2 hours after lights out.

And this is why I hate Sunday night worse than any other night!

How do your Sunday nights work out for you?

Friday, November 27, 2015

Orphan at 38

The word orphan is defined as a child who's parents are dead. That would describe me. Although I am an adult, I will always be my parents child, and both of them are gone. I have received some arguments by some when I have called myself this, but still, it's the way I feel. That can not be changed.

It seems odd but the only family I have left from my growing up years is my sisters. I have no parents or grandparents. I don't see my sisters much but I am blessed to at least still have them and I think of them often and we talk or text on occasion. We can all be orphans together.

Three of my grandparents died when I was a child. My maternal grandmother died a few years ago.

My father died suddenly when I was 9 years old. I find this difficult to believe still to this day. Making it even harder is the fact that I have a 9 year old and I think it would devastate him to lose his father.

My mother remarried when I was 13 and I spent the next 4 years just trying to get through it. It felt so off and wrong to have someone else taking my father's place, so I  willed myself to not care and just get through 4 years. I was never close to my step father. Although we now get along, I will never consider him my parent. I do however allow my kids to call him grandpa because he has been around since their birth.

I met my husband at age 17 and started to focus more on him and our life but I remained close to my mother.

We lost mom just as suddenly in May. It was shocking and I instantly felt abandoned, an orphan.

 She was a proud grandma to my 5 kids as well as all of my 4 sisters kids and one of her granddaughters kids. She adored all of the kids.

She had a gift for making me feel better whenever I was mad. I would call her, tell her all the shit, and she would loudly reply "oh, for the Christ sakes!" Nobody says that, but it was moms thing. She listened then after I was done dumping all my anger on her she made me laugh and I felt better, even though nothing was ever solved. I will never have that again.

My mom was this for me
She was also my biggest fan. She read everything I have ever written, bragged about my accomplishments, and was so proud of everything I ever did right in this life. In October I get a job for the first time in 13 years. I spent the day not feeling happy or proud and I could not figure out why. Then it dawned on me. I could not call my mom. I could not receive her praise and approval. She was not here to see me do such a hard thing. I was very sad about that. She was a lot like me in the way that she had very extreme emotional  responses to the good and the bad in life. When she was mad she was very mad and when she was happy she was very happy. I knew her reaction would have been the best one and I missed out on that. I remember the day I told her I was having twins. She nearly started doing jumping jacks and I found out later she told everyone who would listen. She called often to see how it was going during the pregnancy and when they were born she again announced it to anyone who would listen. There isn't a person alive I am ever going to get that same validation from ever again.I can't accept that. I often find myself needing to tell her something before I remember that I can not. It kills me every time.

The day she died I had one hour to wrap my head around the fact that she was on her way to the hospital before I found out she didn't make it. I spent the day bawling my head off then went straight to anger. Those seven stages of grief: [shock or disbelief, denial, bargaining, guilt, anger, depression, and acceptance/hope] are a load of crap to me. I experienced shock, skipped denial, bargaining, and guilt, and went straight to anger and I am still stuck there. I doubt I will ever go through depression over it and may never make it to acceptance. Everything that reminds me of her makes me mad. Seeing older people, not being able to call her, seeing pictures of her, having friends with parents, feeling my kids are being cheated, seeing my husbands parents, her house and her things. All of it makes me nothing but mad. I am mad she missed grandparents day and dance recital weeks before she died. MAD is all I am right now. Any reminder of her existence only makes me mad.

I am not sure how I am ever going to do life without mom, but I have been. It is just so much harder than if she was here. Will I ever get over the mad? Who's to say? For now, though, it is the only thing I can feel about it all.

Has anyone else out there lost both parents before the age of 40? Do you feel cheated? How do you cope?

Monday, November 23, 2015

After 13 Years as a SAHM I Reentered the Work Force

When my youngest children started Kindergarten last year I began searching for a job that would allow me to still be home when my kids are. I needed this because my husband is gone all week and many Saturdays. I want to be able to make meals for the kids, take them to their activities, and help them with homework. I soon found out that very few jobs like that exist. I didn't find a single job outside of the home that did not require evenings or weekends. Then I began searching for work at home opportunities. I did not want my own business, so that eliminated half of everything I found. The other half were eliminated because I did not meet the minimum education requirements. I had no interest in working at a school. I get very stressed out around a lot of children. Plus they are so germy. I don't even like my own kids germs.

Then, last December I found out about a home assembly job with a local factory from a friend of mine. It is 29 hrs per week. They were not currently hiring for those positions so I asked her to let me know when they were hiring again. Finally at the beginning of October she told me they were hiring. I applied and crossed my fingers. I received a call from them on October 23rd and was hired. I was very nervous to start this new venture after so many years off. I began work on October 26th.

It has been a hard adjustment for me but I feel it is the best fit for me. There are many advantages. It allows me to be here for my kids and work while they are asleep or at school. I choose the hours I will complete my work. I can make appointments for whenever I need to and make up the work at another time. It is pretty easy and self explanatory. I make extra family income. The kids see me working. I have a boost in my self esteem because I no longer feel like I am "just a mom" and that I am contribution to society. Also, working has put a lot of things in perspective for me. I don't spend much time focusing on petty inconsequential things and I find my "time off" more sacred and enjoyable. There are, however, disadvantages also. I don't find a lot of time to eat, sleep, or do activities I like to do on the days I work. I am having a hard time finding any time to write. I am tired and stressed out a lot of the time. Chores get put on the back burner until the work for my job is completed.

It seems like the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. I have gotten into a good routine in the four weeks I have worked and pretty soon I am sure I will be well adjusted to the demands of being both an employee and also a mother to five school aged kids. This is going to be good! I can feel it!

Tell me, did you enter the work force after many years at home with littles, do you stay at home currently, or have you always worked? How do you make it work?