Friday, January 30, 2015

You Might Be A Dick If...

If you say "My sister is soooo OCD  about toys." you might be a dick.

Instead try: organized

Proper usage: When talking about actual OCD

If you say "It's so gay that I'm not allowed to go to the party." you might be a dick.

Instead try: disappointing

Proper usage: When talking about sexual preference

If you say "I'm so ADHD I can't seem to complete anything I start." you might be a dick.

Instead try: distracted

Proper usage: When talking about the actual condition

If you say "Sorry I'm late, my mom is such a blonde." you might be a dick.

Instead try: busy

Proper Usage: When talking about the color of someones hair

If you say "This weather is so bipolar." you might be a dick.

Instead try: erratic

Proper usage: When talking about the actual disorder

If you say " Are you mental?" you might be a dick.

Instead try: What's wrong?

Proper usage: When talking about brain health or functioning

If you say "You are being psycho." you might be a dick.

Instead try: irrational

Proper usage: There is none, do not say

If you say " It is so retarded that we got so much homework." you might be a dick.

Instead try: frustrating

Proper usage: There is none, do not say

There are so many descriptive words in the English language to choose from, there is just no reason to use these words in such a way that may offend someone with certain conditions or traits. You never know who you will hurt with your words. Obviously, there is freedom of speech in this country, so you can say whatever you want. If you know your audience and want to say these things, go for it. If you are in public, and you choose to say them,  just be aware that some people just may think you are a dick!

Monday, January 26, 2015

Longing for Normal

Before I had kids I never dreamed of being such a scheduled person. I thrived on being spontaneous with my husband. We went out at the spur of the moment and took unplanned weekend trips frequently. I was sure that once kids came into the picture, I would remain somewhat unstructured. I didn't like the idea of scheduling my whole life.

I remained very flexible and unscheduled until my son was about 4 months old and developed a pattern for sleep and meal times. I accidentally became a structured person. Soon, I started to schedule other things like walks and baths. These necessities remained structured with all my kids. Having five kids under six years old, I really thrived on a schedule. Pretty soon other things like clean-up time and housework became structured as well until nearly everything I did, short of breathing was scheduled. As all the kids entered school, and many now have an activity they are in, schedules have become a must. To this day I still have a pretty stringent routine.

When things come up or there are changes in my routine, it causes me quite a bit of anxiety. If my routine changes it messes up the flow of the running of the household. That said, I have not had a normal week for two months! It is making me crazy! I just want ONE normal week to help me regroup!

This is my normal (boring) week:
All weekdays the kids go to school and dad goes to work, but comes home every night. Homework is done after school and we eat a family meal (except Tuesdays). Bedtime is at 9 PM. These things do not change.

Mon: Bath night.
Tue: After school the 10 yr old has dance, 8 yr old had Karate, and we eat fast food in between the two classes.
Wed: After school the 6 yr olds have dance.
Thurs: After supper the 8 yr old has Karate and I go grocery shopping.
Friday: I do all the laundry and household chores while the kids are at school. Bath night.

Weekends we are very unstructured and mostly have family time. Sometimes we go somewhere and other times we just stay home and play/relax all weekend.

For the last two months  something has messed up this routine.
These things include:
Holiday travel
Illness (horrible amt of sick days)
Dad traveling for work
Extra school days off
Visitors for two weeks
Extra appts
School activities

This week is not normal either. Dad is gone working out of town all week. Wednesday and Thursday I have school conferences and the 8 yr old has an appt Thursday.

I feel like yelling "Can't I just get ONE normal week? JUST ONE, please!

 I was thinking about it the other day when I realized this week also would not be normal. Then it occurred to me, all these hiccups are a normal part of like with five kids, none of it is shocking or totally off the wall things to deal with, just life happening. Unpredictability is a normal, albeit irritating part of being a parent. So I better get used to it! THIS is the new normal!

Friday, January 23, 2015

Facebook Paradoxical Identity Disorder

Do you suffer from Facebook Paradoxical Identity Disorder *(FPID)?

Symptoms include:
-regularily posting several contradictory statuses to Facebook in the same 24 hour period
-a strong desire to post every thought occurs as a Facebook status or thinking in Facebook status  mode

In extreme cases you may post contradictory statuses within hours of each other, or you may post a status, post a contradictory one, and then post one similar to the first one. This may occur several times in the same 24 hour period.

 Statuses may include, but are not limited to:

"Ugh, I am so fat!!!" followed by "Look at me, I'm a sexy bitch, I'd do me!"

"I love green smoothies for breakfast and lunch, and a high protien, low carb dinner. No sugar, caffeine, or alcohol." #cleanliving,  followed by a pic of a huge plate of loaded nachos and an enormous alcoholic drink

"I just exercised for 3 hours and I have never felt better, I'm gonna do this everyday." followed by "I'm never exercising again, I'm going to take a nap instead."

"These kids are driving me nuts, I just wish they would go back to school." followed by "I am so lonely here without the kids. The house is just too quiet"

"I hate everyone, I am never going to leave my house again. Good riddance bitches." followed by pics of partying with said bitches.

"I am so broke, I don't know how I'm gonna make rent!" followed by pics of all the clothes you just bought

"My kids are the most disrespectful, destructive kids I have ever met." followed by "Wow, I am so blessed to have such well behaved kids. I just took them with me on 3 hours of errands and they were perfect angels"

"My life is over, my boyfriend left me. I am never dating again. I'm just gonna be happy being single" followed by a pic of  you and breakup boy with the caption TRUE LOVE

"I am sooooo sick, I hope I make it to work tomorrow." followed by a pic of you out drinking and dancing

"Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God." 1 John 4:7" followed by "People suck, I hate everyone."

If you have these symptoms you may have FPID.

To get a free online consultation please visit ** During your consultation ***Dr. Getalife will review your Facebook timeline and advise you as to whether or not you do indeed have FPID.

Treatments for this condition include:
-Getting off of Facebook to interact with real live people
-refraining from posting statuses that reflect every thought that takes place in your brain
-talking to a friend about you thoughts and feelings instead of posting them as statuses

Side effects of this treatment, which may be moderate to severe, are:
-Having all consuming thoughts about Facebook and what you are missing in your absence
-a strong desire to check and/or post to Facebook
-thinking about how many notifications you might have
-difficulty finding other things to do with the time you would normally be spending on Facebook.

These are normal withdrawal symptoms and should subside as you get used to life without Facebook.
If they do not, you may also have Facebook Addiction and will need to look into Facebook Addiction Rehabilitation.

When returning to Facebook, be mindful when deciding what to post as a status as relapse is very likely. It may be a good idea to refrain from posting statuses for an hour after thinking of them to be sure they are statuses you really want to post.

This has been a public service announcement brought to you by The Facebook Paradoxical Identity Disorder Institute, founded by a sufferer of FPID.

Disclaimer: The information herein is for entertainment purposes only. It is not meant to diagnose, treat, or cure and disorder and has not been reviewed by the surgeon general. Any similarities to actual statuses of your own are purely coincidental .
*not an actual disorder
**not an actual website
***not an actual doctor

Monday, January 19, 2015

Making Memories

Sunday our family was taking a day trip to a ski resort to go snow tubing. It is a fun tradition of ours to go once a year. On the one hour drive we were discussing places we wanted to go and things we wanted to see as a family. There were answers ranging from Hershey PA to Washington D.C. to London. It was fun to hear their ideas and to get the kids input even if we never make it to any of those places.

Out of the blue my 10 year old daughter said "Ya know what I think was so fun?, when we used to eat popcorn out of the big blue and pink bowls and watch a movie on the fat T.V. in the living room. We sat on the SpongeBob couch and we always picked Monsters Inc. It was a VCR tape movie."

I loved this story and thought it was so precious she would remember such an ordinary thing so fondly. The "fat T.V." has been gone for  three year, the bowls have been broken for four years and the two older kids haven't fit together on the SpongeBob couch for six years. I am pretty sure this memory was when she was 4 and her brother was 6. That was six years ago.

That's when it hit me. I was floored. We are making memories EVERY DAY doing activities we take for granted and think are no big deal. To children they are a big deal. It seems like as parents we think in order to make good childhood memories for our kids we need to plan elaborate vacations, take them places and do a lot of structured activities. We are over-thinking this idea. It simply is not true. The truth is,every single day we are doing little thinks that will turn into lasting childhood memories for them to cherish.

The things that will create memories might be:
-sharing family meals
-having cocoa when they come in from outside on a cold day or a popsicle on a hot day
-running through the sprinkler
-having a picnic in the backyard or the living room
-building blanket forts
-having a family movie or game night
-climbing trees
-playing on the swing set
-jumping on the trampoline
-having a pajama day on the weekend
-snuggling in mom and dads bad
-having a camp out in the living room
-having a tea party
-making and playing with homemade play dough
-having a fire and making smores in the back yard
-going for a bike ride or hike
-playing catch with a baseball or football
-playing basketball in the driveway
-raking leaves and trimming bushes then burning the brush
-playing tickle monster
-playing hot lava with pillows and  couch cushions
-putting on pretty dresses and having a recital in the living room
-reading books out loud
-making up a play and performing it for mom and dad
-sliding on the steps with sleeping bags

There are many more, I could list twice as many. All of these cost little or no money, just time and attention. These everyday moments are what the kids are going to remember much more than the day trips and week long vacations. I bet all parents have done at least half of these, making our children's childhoods happy and memorable. Parents, you are doing a great job making memories for your kids!

                   What is your favorite childhood memory?

Friday, January 16, 2015

When Dad is Gone

My husband travels for work quite often and is gone Monday morning until Friday night. Of course, when he comes home every night things run pretty smoothly and seldom go wrong. Inevitably when he is gone for an extended period of time at least one of the following goes wrong, leaving me to deal with the fall out.

When dad is gone two kids will need to be in two different places in two different towns at the same time. I am not magic and able to clone myself, which leaves me frantically calling around for a ride for one of them.

When dad is gone one or more child will get sick with some scary thing like high fever or violent puking, come down with some unidentifiable rash, or get injured requiring a trip to urgent care or the emergency room.

When dad is gone I will become on my death bed, incapacitated sick, making it impossible to be an effective mother. I am just hoping to live at that point.

When dad is gone the van will break down, sometimes leave me stranded with five kids, needing extensive repair. That leaves me with the responsibility of finding transportation, towing, getting a rental, and making decisions about the repairs.

When dad is gone someone will have an extra school project requiring eleventy billion hours of extra help from me, leaving all the other kids ignored and to their own devices.

When dad is gone there will be extra meetings or appointments I need to attend that aren't part of the regular, already frantic schedule.

When dad is gone I will be forced to serve crappy kid friendly food all week, since it is pointless to cook nice home made goodness as usual, since the only one who ever eats it is their dad and I.

When dad is gone there will be a house maintenance issue, for example the sewer backs up into the finished basement or a heater quits working when it is 20 below zero.

When dad is gone someone will have 47 pages of homework in one day eating up my whole night because of course it will be very hard and they will need help.They will fight me tooth and nail the whole way through.

Lastly, and this one happens every.single.time.
When dad is gone there will be more whining, crying, fighting, tantrums, messes and general bad behavior!

Now, after eight years of this, since he got this job, I have become quite the expert at handling all the crap like a pro. I am super mom after all, so I GOT THIS, but I gotta say it is still exhausting!

This is the kids of stuff my husband builds all week!

What crazy shit goes down at your house when dad is gone?

Monday, January 12, 2015

Tribute to My Twin

Although my twin sister and I have been living apart for the last twenty years, we have always seen each other several times a year. When she was in college, she was in our home state so she came home for visits quite often. It was hard to adjust to not being together every day but we made it work. She moved to MD after college to volunteer for a year. This was the first time she was a long distance away. I was worried about never seeing her but she continued to come home, just not as often.

It was only when she decided to do a year of volunteer work in England, with no scheduled visits home that I feel apart completely. The day she left I was so broken up, I literally cried continually for three days until I was so exhausted that I could cry no more. I had no idea how I would go an entire year without seeing her at all, my heart and soul were crushed. Luckily she came home after four months because it didn't work out.

The bond between twins is impossible to explain and very hard for people to understand. I can honestly say I love my twin sister in a way I love no other.Whenever she leaves after visits I feel very sad and lonely for a very long time. It lasts between a couple of weeks to over a month. Despite moving to many different states, including MD, OH, VA and TN she always comes to stay with me for two weeks in the summer and two weeks in the winter, sometimes more. Knowing she is coming back gives me something to hold on to in between visits.

When I started having kids she visited and did a lot of fun things with my kids. She was a perfect aunt and more like a second mom to them. We were all very sad to see her go. In 2009 she had her first child. At this time I had a 6 yr old, 4 yr old, 2 yr old, and two 9 month olds. She visited so much between Aug 2009-Aug 2010 that she was here 100 days! We made so many great memories that year, and I got to really know her daughter.

When she had her second baby in 2012 things became more complicated for her with travel, but she still managed to come stay twice a year and I even kept her kids a few times to allow her and her husband to take some vacations. That helped me to really bond with her baby daughter. I fell madly in love with that sweet child as if she was my own. I had been worried about forming a bond with her but that never became an issue.

When she was here for Christmas this year everything changed. She announced that she is pregnant with her third child, due in July, meaning she will not be able to visit this summer and I will not see her for an entire year. She would either be very pregnant or have a newborn making travel difficult if not impossible. Although I was sad I completely understood.

When she left on January 6th I felt like someone ripped out my heart and stomped on it. I snuggled my sick daughter for four hours after she left. I don't know what I would have done if I had been home alone that sad hard lonely day. I really do not know how I am supposed to get through a whole year without her. It is as if a piece of me is missing when she is gone. I am also worried my sweet two year old niece will forget me completely.

I have always felt more understood by my twin sister than by anyone else including my husband. Although we are very different, we seem to get where the other one is coming from. We have many of the same problems forming connections with people, feeling misunderstood much of the time, and feeling lonely. I think those feelings all stem from being separated from the one who knows us best. I feel like twins were meant to be together, so when they are apart they are lonely for each other no matter how fulfilling their lives are.  

I have never fought with anyone as much or as horribly as I have with my twin sister. I think when you are so closely bonded to someone, you are hurt more easily, therefore you fight more easily than you would with someone else. It all stems from the intense bond you have and the intense feelings toward one another. Fierce is the word that comes to mind.

Strangely, I forgive her much more easily also. When we fight, everything is back to normal within five minutes of the fight ending. That is what I love so much about being with her. I do not need to worry about what I may say or do because we have an unspoken understanding. I am so comfortable around her, I am allowed to just be who I am at all times. She is also allowed to be just who she is. I don't feel like that around anyone else on earth.

Dear sister-
A year without you will be so painful and hard for me. I miss you so much I cannot imaging another 11 1/2 months without you. In our whole lives that has never been done. Without you a piece of me is missing, I am not whole. I will not feel complete until you return, the way I feel complete whenever we are together. I will count the days until I can feel whole once again. As much chaos as there is when we are together, those are the best times of my life. I will hold you in my heart until I can once again hold you in my arms and meet your new little blessing. I love you more than words can say.
                              Love, Heather

Friday, January 9, 2015

Five Weeks of Chaos

The holidays are crazy and it is hectic having guests and kids home for holiday break, but add kids continuously getting sick and you have complete and utter chaos! If you think things can't possibly get worse they probably will.

It all started December 5th. My husband had been working out of town and was excited to be coming home. My two youngest kids suddenly got sick before he got home. I made him a late birthday dinner that night to celebrate since he was gone that day, the 4th.

Dec 6: I took the girls to the doctor and was told it was bacterial tonsillitis. I had never heard of such a crazy thing. They were on antibiotics for five days. The diarrhea was the best part!

Dec 8: My husband went out of town for work. I was stuck here alone with all the kids. They were out of school for a teacher in service day.

Dec 11: Everyone was well so I didn't miss my oldest sons first ever band concert. I did however have to take four kids with me!


Dec 12: My youngest daughter had a fever again! My husband came home from working out of town so I went out to a movie with my sister after I dropped my oldest daughter off at a sleepover at her dance studio.

Dec 13: I woke up sick. I took ibuprofen on an empty stomach for my fever and headache and immediately threw up. I tried to wake up my husband to take my daughter to the doctor and pick up my oldest daughter from her sleepover. He would not budge. He was dead to the world. He slept in until 11! I went to get my daughter at her sleepover then sat in Urgent Care for three hours with little sicky girl. She had influenza, pneumonia, croup, and severe constipation. She was given Tamiflu, Miralax, and a corticosteroid injection. I went home to bed until the next day at noon.

Dec 14: My other two daughters get sick.

Dec 15: I took my middle daughter to the doctor. They decided against Tamiflu for her since she didn't have respiratory symptoms. That night I took all the kids to Target alone to get Christmas card pictures taken. It didn't turn out too bad considering two kids were still sick.

Dec 17:  My sister got the flu from sharing popcorn with me at the movies the day before I was even sick. She nearly missed her sons college graduation and her husband got sick and missed a lot of Christmas stuff.

Dec 18: My youngest son and middle daughter had their school program.

Dec 20: We went to my in-laws overnight to celebrate early Christmas with them. Fun was had by all. They got to see their cousins and did lots of sledding.

Dec 23: Winter break starts at noon.

Dec 24: My youngest daughter woke me up at 6 AM to tell me her twin puked. YEAH! Merry effing Christmas to me! Thanks for the present! It was a huge pile of chocolate puke on cream colored carpet. That night we went to church.

Dec 25: We had a very relaxing Christmas at home.

Dec 26: My twin sister arrived with her family to stay with us!

Dec 27: We went to my nieces house for my sides family Christmas. There was lots of food and gifts.  My twin sister announced her pregnancy. She is 38 and it is her 3rd pregnancy. Everyone cheered and my mom was speechless. After the littles were settled some of the adults played Cards Against Humanity. Everyone had a great time.

Dec 29: My middle daughter had a fever and sore throat. Since we were planning a party here on New Years Eve I took her in to the doctor for a strep test. Thank the lord it was negative.

Dec 31: We had a party here. I invited 3 families. Two could not come because of work or illness so it was just one family, ours and my sister and her kids. Her husband had left already early that morning. We had 13 kids here and everyone had a great time.

January 1: My middle daughter had a fever and sore throat again. At that point I decided that unless someone is dying we are not going to the doctor. She recovered in a day and a half.

Jan 2: I was sick overnight and woke up fine the next day.

Jan 3: My middle daughter was sick. My sister took her five year old and my three oldest kids to the movies. I stayed here to babysit her two year old and take care of my sick twins. That night my twin sister and I went to see my youngest sisters band play and met my older sister there. She was very fun to watch!

Jan 5: 4/5 kids go back to school. My husband went out of town to work. My middle daughter doesn't pee all day and has 103.7 fever. I took her to the doctor. She had 104.7 fever. They did a urine test and numbers were concerning so they did a culture and gave her antibiotics to start while we waited for results. She got a terrible stomach ache from the medication so she stopped eating.

Jan 6: My twin sister left and I snuggled little sicky girl all day. Very sad day. My sister can't come back for a year.

 Jan 7: There was a two hour late start. The middle girls fever is finally gone but she stays home to rest. The clinic called. The culture was negative for infection so we stopped the antibiotic.

Jan 8: All the kids go back to school. I finally some peace and quiet! It was a very short day. School let out at 10:45. Chaos ensued!

Today Jan 9th: There was another two hour late start. I did shopping, laundry and writing! Tomorrow we are going to a hotel for my husbands work party so I still need to pack. My husband is taking down Christmas!

Chart to explain all the chaos:

K-Kids at home
    (26 days)
S-Someone is sick
    (18 days)
D-Doctor Visit (5)
W-Husband works
     (19 days)
O-Husband out of town
    (6 days)
H-House Guests
    (9 days)
   (11 days)

Is this it or is there more chaos to come? It's Murphy's Law. If it can happen it will so I better be prepared for the worst!