Friday, January 23, 2015

Facebook Paradoxical Identity Disorder

Do you suffer from Facebook Paradoxical Identity Disorder *(FPID)?

Symptoms include:
-regularily posting several contradictory statuses to Facebook in the same 24 hour period
-a strong desire to post every thought occurs as a Facebook status or thinking in Facebook status  mode

In extreme cases you may post contradictory statuses within hours of each other, or you may post a status, post a contradictory one, and then post one similar to the first one. This may occur several times in the same 24 hour period.

 Statuses may include, but are not limited to:

"Ugh, I am so fat!!!" followed by "Look at me, I'm a sexy bitch, I'd do me!"

"I love green smoothies for breakfast and lunch, and a high protien, low carb dinner. No sugar, caffeine, or alcohol." #cleanliving,  followed by a pic of a huge plate of loaded nachos and an enormous alcoholic drink

"I just exercised for 3 hours and I have never felt better, I'm gonna do this everyday." followed by "I'm never exercising again, I'm going to take a nap instead."

"These kids are driving me nuts, I just wish they would go back to school." followed by "I am so lonely here without the kids. The house is just too quiet"

"I hate everyone, I am never going to leave my house again. Good riddance bitches." followed by pics of partying with said bitches.

"I am so broke, I don't know how I'm gonna make rent!" followed by pics of all the clothes you just bought

"My kids are the most disrespectful, destructive kids I have ever met." followed by "Wow, I am so blessed to have such well behaved kids. I just took them with me on 3 hours of errands and they were perfect angels"

"My life is over, my boyfriend left me. I am never dating again. I'm just gonna be happy being single" followed by a pic of  you and breakup boy with the caption TRUE LOVE

"I am sooooo sick, I hope I make it to work tomorrow." followed by a pic of you out drinking and dancing

"Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God." 1 John 4:7" followed by "People suck, I hate everyone."

If you have these symptoms you may have FPID.

To get a free online consultation please visit ** During your consultation ***Dr. Getalife will review your Facebook timeline and advise you as to whether or not you do indeed have FPID.

Treatments for this condition include:
-Getting off of Facebook to interact with real live people
-refraining from posting statuses that reflect every thought that takes place in your brain
-talking to a friend about you thoughts and feelings instead of posting them as statuses

Side effects of this treatment, which may be moderate to severe, are:
-Having all consuming thoughts about Facebook and what you are missing in your absence
-a strong desire to check and/or post to Facebook
-thinking about how many notifications you might have
-difficulty finding other things to do with the time you would normally be spending on Facebook.

These are normal withdrawal symptoms and should subside as you get used to life without Facebook.
If they do not, you may also have Facebook Addiction and will need to look into Facebook Addiction Rehabilitation.

When returning to Facebook, be mindful when deciding what to post as a status as relapse is very likely. It may be a good idea to refrain from posting statuses for an hour after thinking of them to be sure they are statuses you really want to post.

This has been a public service announcement brought to you by The Facebook Paradoxical Identity Disorder Institute, founded by a sufferer of FPID.

Disclaimer: The information herein is for entertainment purposes only. It is not meant to diagnose, treat, or cure and disorder and has not been reviewed by the surgeon general. Any similarities to actual statuses of your own are purely coincidental .
*not an actual disorder
**not an actual website
***not an actual doctor