Monday, January 12, 2015

Tribute to My Twin

Although my twin sister and I have been living apart for the last twenty years, we have always seen each other several times a year. When she was in college, she was in our home state so she came home for visits quite often. It was hard to adjust to not being together every day but we made it work. She moved to MD after college to volunteer for a year. This was the first time she was a long distance away. I was worried about never seeing her but she continued to come home, just not as often.

It was only when she decided to do a year of volunteer work in England, with no scheduled visits home that I feel apart completely. The day she left I was so broken up, I literally cried continually for three days until I was so exhausted that I could cry no more. I had no idea how I would go an entire year without seeing her at all, my heart and soul were crushed. Luckily she came home after four months because it didn't work out.

The bond between twins is impossible to explain and very hard for people to understand. I can honestly say I love my twin sister in a way I love no other.Whenever she leaves after visits I feel very sad and lonely for a very long time. It lasts between a couple of weeks to over a month. Despite moving to many different states, including MD, OH, VA and TN she always comes to stay with me for two weeks in the summer and two weeks in the winter, sometimes more. Knowing she is coming back gives me something to hold on to in between visits.

When I started having kids she visited and did a lot of fun things with my kids. She was a perfect aunt and more like a second mom to them. We were all very sad to see her go. In 2009 she had her first child. At this time I had a 6 yr old, 4 yr old, 2 yr old, and two 9 month olds. She visited so much between Aug 2009-Aug 2010 that she was here 100 days! We made so many great memories that year, and I got to really know her daughter.

When she had her second baby in 2012 things became more complicated for her with travel, but she still managed to come stay twice a year and I even kept her kids a few times to allow her and her husband to take some vacations. That helped me to really bond with her baby daughter. I fell madly in love with that sweet child as if she was my own. I had been worried about forming a bond with her but that never became an issue.

When she was here for Christmas this year everything changed. She announced that she is pregnant with her third child, due in July, meaning she will not be able to visit this summer and I will not see her for an entire year. She would either be very pregnant or have a newborn making travel difficult if not impossible. Although I was sad I completely understood.

When she left on January 6th I felt like someone ripped out my heart and stomped on it. I snuggled my sick daughter for four hours after she left. I don't know what I would have done if I had been home alone that sad hard lonely day. I really do not know how I am supposed to get through a whole year without her. It is as if a piece of me is missing when she is gone. I am also worried my sweet two year old niece will forget me completely.

I have always felt more understood by my twin sister than by anyone else including my husband. Although we are very different, we seem to get where the other one is coming from. We have many of the same problems forming connections with people, feeling misunderstood much of the time, and feeling lonely. I think those feelings all stem from being separated from the one who knows us best. I feel like twins were meant to be together, so when they are apart they are lonely for each other no matter how fulfilling their lives are.  

I have never fought with anyone as much or as horribly as I have with my twin sister. I think when you are so closely bonded to someone, you are hurt more easily, therefore you fight more easily than you would with someone else. It all stems from the intense bond you have and the intense feelings toward one another. Fierce is the word that comes to mind.

Strangely, I forgive her much more easily also. When we fight, everything is back to normal within five minutes of the fight ending. That is what I love so much about being with her. I do not need to worry about what I may say or do because we have an unspoken understanding. I am so comfortable around her, I am allowed to just be who I am at all times. She is also allowed to be just who she is. I don't feel like that around anyone else on earth.

Dear sister-
A year without you will be so painful and hard for me. I miss you so much I cannot imaging another 11 1/2 months without you. In our whole lives that has never been done. Without you a piece of me is missing, I am not whole. I will not feel complete until you return, the way I feel complete whenever we are together. I will count the days until I can feel whole once again. As much chaos as there is when we are together, those are the best times of my life. I will hold you in my heart until I can once again hold you in my arms and meet your new little blessing. I love you more than words can say.
                              Love, Heather