A guest post by an anonymous writer, which will be an ongoing series.
Please join us on her journey!
Recently, I was feeling quite isolated and alone on this journey and I realized why. In the beginning, when I started to tell people about my diagnosis and again after surgery, I received so much support. I received a lot of cards, texts, meals and practical help. Now that it has been almost two and a half months since my mastectomy, I am getting less and less support. When something is new, people rally. When a need is practical and immediate, people show up in big ways. Later, even when a need is still there, especially if it is less obvious, people wane in their support. This is no one's fault. I have been guilty of the same, I am sure. It is still hard, nonetheless. This is making me concerned about being able to get help after my next surgery. Reconstruction will probably be less involved for recovery but given I will be having fat grafting on several areas I know I will need some help.
Another thing that has been hard, though I didn't allow myself to feel it or admit it in the beginning, is doing this without so many people that have been there for me in the past but are no longer a part of my life. Over the past several years I had a lot of big things happen and had some major emotional support from specific people I thought would always be around. Whether through death, miles or a decision by them (not me) not to be a part of my life, they are no longer there for me. I miss them dearly. I have had to find new people to support me (which has happened, only by the grace of God and this has been one of the biggest blessings on this journey). This too has been hard for me.
The hardest part of this whole journey, though, has been and continues to be the waiting. I feel like waiting for things started the day of my mammogram that led to the biopsy (October 26, 2017) and has only continued to be a theme.
Here is the waiting I have already endured in between each step (chronologically):
- Waiting for the biopsy (1 week)
- Waiting for biopsy results (1 week)
- Waiting for an appointment with the surgical oncologist (6 days)
- Waiting for an additional mammogram (15 days)
- Waiting for the core biopsy (15 days)
- Waiting for biopsy results - again (5 days)
- Waiting for the pre-surgery appointment (3 weeks)
- Waiting for second opinion appointment (6 days)
- Waiting for surgery (6 weeks)
- Waiting at every appointment (very frequent visits) sometimes up to 2 hours!
Now for more waiting. Reconstruction with fat grafting is scheduled for July 12, tentatively. That means over two more months of waiting for this next surgery - 11 1/2 weeks of waiting since my last appointment (April 23) and almost 5 months total from my mastectomy surgery. This is pretty amazing, considering I thought I would have reconstruction at the beginning of April, about a month after mastectomy. After that, I will have more waiting for a possible third reconstructive surgery for minor adjustments.
An interesting thing happened to me regarding the waiting. At first, I just wanted to be done. I still do, but my perspective has changed. Initially, directly after surgery, I was hoping that I could get reconstruction early, about a month after my mastectomy (usually it is 8-12 weeks). The plastic surgeon looked into it and it was possible. I was a good candidate because I was healing so well. However, by the time I got my second tissue expander fill, it was almost May. I am traveling on June 9. The plastic surgeon thought it would be best to wait since surgery would only be 4-6 weeks before travel if I opted for earlier. He would not want me to still be healing on vacation. I decided to trust his judgment and have the implant and fat grafting surgery after vacation instead of before. I decided that what matters most is the long-term result, not my short-term discomfort and impatience. I am sure that in the long term I will be happy I waited. This perspective has not made the waiting easy, but it has made it easier! Waiting has also helped me grow in many areas:
- Patience has never been a virtue of mine. When something needs to be done, it needs to be done NOW. This has helped me see that my timeline is not the only timeline and patience is, indeed, a virtue. I have learned to be more patient in general, more patient with others, and more patient with myself. It is much more peaceful to be patient than on edge!
- I have been reminded that much is out of my control. It's not all about me and what I want. If it helps me grow, if it serves a higher purpose, that is more important. I am reminded again and again of Isaiah 55:8-9 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, and your ways are not my ways.”This is the Lord’s declaration. “For as heaven is higher than earth, so my ways are higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts. I know that God knows more than I do and I trust that he knows what he is doing. He will use this and anything else I face for good.
- Finally, I have been able to learn to trust others. My doctor (that he knows what he is doing), friends and supporters (to be vulnerable and talk to them - I'm not good at vulnerability), and God (to trust that he is watching over me, protecting me, leading me in my decisions and working all of it for good)! Only God can give me the strength to carry on in the waiting!
A guest post by an anonymous writer, which will be an ongoing series.
Please join us on her journey!
Recently, I was feeling quite isolated and alone on this journey and I realized why. In the beginning, when I started to tell people about my diagnosis and again after surgery, I received so much support. I received a lot of cards, texts, meals and practical help. Now that it has been almost two and a half months since my mastectomy, I am getting less and less support. When something is new, people rally. When a need is practical and immediate, people show up in big ways. Later, even when a need is still there, especially if it is less obvious, people wane in their support. This is no one's fault. I have been guilty of the same, I am sure. It is still hard, nonetheless. This is making me concerned about being able to get help after my next surgery. Reconstruction will probably be less involved for recovery but given I will be having fat grafting on several areas I know I will need some help.
Another thing that has been hard, though I didn't allow myself to feel it or admit it in the beginning, is doing this without so many people that have been there for me in the past but are no longer a part of my life. Over the past several years I had a lot of big things happen and had some major emotional support from specific people I thought would always be around. Whether through death, miles or a decision by them (not me) not to be a part of my life, they are no longer there for me. I miss them dearly. I have had to find new people to support me (which has happened, only by the grace of God and this has been one of the biggest blessings on this journey). This too has been hard for me.
The hardest part of this whole journey, though, has been and continues to be the waiting. I feel like waiting for things started the day of my mammogram that led to the biopsy (October 26, 2017) and has only continued to be a theme.
Here is the waiting I have already endured in between each step (chronologically):
- Waiting for the biopsy (1 week)
- Waiting for biopsy results (1 week)
- Waiting for an appointment with the surgical oncologist (6 days)
- Waiting for an additional mammogram (15 days)
- Waiting for the core biopsy (15 days)
- Waiting for biopsy results - again (5 days)
- Waiting for the pre-surgery appointment (3 weeks)
- Waiting for second opinion appointment (6 days)
- Waiting for surgery (6 weeks)
- Waiting at every appointment (very frequent visits) sometimes up to 2 hours!
Now for more waiting. Reconstruction with fat grafting is scheduled for July 12, tentatively. That means over two more months of waiting for this next surgery - 11 1/2 weeks of waiting since my last appointment (April 23) and almost 5 months total from my mastectomy surgery. This is pretty amazing, considering I thought I would have reconstruction at the beginning of April, about a month after mastectomy. After that, I will have more waiting for a possible third reconstructive surgery for minor adjustments.
An interesting thing happened to me regarding the waiting. At first, I just wanted to be done. I still do, but my perspective has changed. Initially, directly after surgery, I was hoping that I could get reconstruction early, about a month after my mastectomy (usually it is 8-12 weeks). The plastic surgeon looked into it and it was possible. I was a good candidate because I was healing so well. However, by the time I got my second tissue expander fill, it was almost May. I am traveling on June 9. The plastic surgeon thought it would be best to wait since surgery would only be 4-6 weeks before travel if I opted for earlier. He would not want me to still be healing on vacation. I decided to trust his judgment and have the implant and fat grafting surgery after vacation instead of before. I decided that what matters most is the long-term result, not my short-term discomfort and impatience. I am sure that in the long term I will be happy I waited. This perspective has not made the waiting easy, but it has made it easier! Waiting has also helped me grow in many areas:
- Patience has never been a virtue of mine. When something needs to be done, it needs to be done NOW. This has helped me see that my timeline is not the only timeline and patience is, indeed, a virtue. I have learned to be more patient in general, more patient with others, and more patient with myself. It is much more peaceful to be patient than on edge!
- I have been reminded that much is out of my control. It's not all about me and what I want. If it helps me grow, if it serves a higher purpose, that is more important. I am reminded again and again of Isaiah 55:8-9 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, and your ways are not my ways.”This is the Lord’s declaration. “For as heaven is higher than earth, so my ways are higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts. I know that God knows more than I do and I trust that he knows what he is doing. He will use this and anything else I face for good.
- Finally, I have been able to learn to trust others. My doctor (that he knows what he is doing), friends and supporters (to be vulnerable and talk to them - I'm not good at vulnerability), and God (to trust that he is watching over me, protecting me, leading me in my decisions and working all of it for good)! Only God can give me the strength to carry on in the waiting!
Read other posts in this series:
Maxed Out Minivan
To start at part one go here:
Part 1: Stage Zero What?
Read other posts in this series:
Maxed Out Minivan
To start at part one go here:
Part 1: Stage Zero What?
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