I Am Not Strong!

A guest post by an anonymous writer, which will be an ongoing series. Please join us on her journey!

There are a few things I keep hearing over and over:

• You are so strong!
• You are so brave! 
• You are so positive! 

Let me tell you a secret - I am none of those things. Perhaps in moments, I am those things. When I am, it is not me that is strong, brave or positive - it is Christ in me!

This verse expresses it best. 2 Corinthians 12:9
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is perfected in weakness.” Therefore, I will most gladly boast all the more about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may reside in me

Here is the amplified version, which explains the meaning all the more:
He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you [My lovingkindness and My mercy are more than enough—always available—regardless of the situation]; for [My] power is being perfected [and is completed and shows itself most effectively] in [your] weakness.”Therefore, I will all the more gladly boast in my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ [may completely enfold me and] may dwell in me.

Furthermore, it occurred to me recently that resignation can look like strength and apathy can look like optimism, on the surface. I hate to say it, but many days I feel resigned that bad things will, in fact, happen - not maybe, absolutely. This resignation is a sort of acceptance and may look like strength because I am not "falling apart".

Similarly, many days I really do not care - I am apathetic. I am not complaining or having a pity party, though. So some may assume I am being positive. The truth is I am just putting one foot in front of the other.

I am not sure what brave looks like. Maybe brave looks like willingly doing what needs to be done to get to the other side. To me, this is just survival!

Do I want to be strong, brave, and positive? Yes, I do. And maybe one day I will see, in hindsight that I was those things during this time. I certainly have moments. But I also have moments of fear, resignation, and apathy. In these moments I hold on to these verses about perseverance: 

Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him. James 1:12 

We also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. Romans 5:3-4 

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.James 1:2-4

I am not even sure some days whether I will get to a better place or not. However, I am hopeful and one thing I do know for sure is that I am a survivor and God has protected me in many ways during this process. We shall see what I learn from this in hindsight someday down the road!

Timing is Everything!!

A guest post by an anonymous writer, which will be an ongoing series. 

Please join us on her journey!

February 11-25 turned my life upside down! However, God's providence was evident!

The evening of Monday, February 11, I was having chest and arm pain while making dinner rushing around getting ready to bring my daughter to gymnastics. The pain was acute for a few minutes and I got very hot. By the time I arrived at gymnastics less than half an hour later, it was a minor dull pain and my arms felt like I was carrying something heavy. This pain continued on and off all week. Friday morning I decided to call my family doctor to get checked just in case. I knew they administered EKGs so I knew they could determine if I should go to the ER. I was able to get an appointment that afternoon. The EKG showed abnormal and provided several possible reasons - one being possible ischemia (reduced blood flow), which can indicate a blockage, so I was sent to the ER.

The ER doctor assured me that most chest pain is caused by something minor and not to worry. A blood draw was taken and I was given a chest XRay, Heart CT and another EKG. I was told less than an hour after I came in that I was being admitted. The blood draw showed troponin, which is only present after a cardiac event. 

I was admitted and given an echocardiogram (heart ultrasound). All tests take came back within normal ranges. By the time I was admitted it was Friday night around 6:30. I was told it is likely a problem that needs more in-depth testing to diagnose and Monday morning I will be given a heart MRI and angiogram. The most likely causes given my symptoms were thought to be a minor heart attack of unknown cause or inflammation of the heart, often caused by a virus.  I would not have been surprised by a virus-caused problem given how many times I have been hospitalized this past year for breast cancer surgeries. 

Monday the tests showed the cause to be Spontaneous Coronary Arterial Dissection (SCAD). In lay terms this is a tear in the coronary artery. In my case, two tears. I was transferred by ambulance to another hospital with a heart unit and saw the cardiac team Tuesday morning. At this point I was told they wanted to monitor me and medically manage the tears, as one was irreparable and the other was showing good blood flow and healing. 

Tuesday night, I had a major pain episode and was rushed to heart cath for another angiogram. This showed that the irreparable tear had torn further. I was transferred to the Critical Care Unit, put on IV nitrogycerin and sedated to aid in healing/prevent adrenaline etc. After this treatment I was put on an IV betablocker for a half a day to see how I would tolerate a very low dose. Saturday at my previous hospital I had a vey bad reaction to a betablocker, where my heart rate would not come back up from high 40's/low 50s. The IV betablocker was to determine the best dose for me that my body could tolerate. 

Based on when troponin levels peaked, the initial event happened between Thurs night at 5pm and Fri morning at 5 am. The doctor said he believed that was accurate based on the amount of healing that had occured by the time I had the angiogram on Monday February 18.

Here is where the timing blows me away!  If I had went in earlier than Friday, troponin levels would not have been elevated. Since other tests came back normal, I would have been sent home and could have died. I would have told myself "they said I was fine" and not went back in. I believe God allowed me to wait. I beleive the Holy Spirit was guiding me when to go in! All the drugs I was given initially (at my stay at the first hospital) may have saved my life. If I did not go in at all, I could have died.

I had a heart view screening scheduled Friday February 23. It would have showed nothing and I would have assumed I was fine. (since my heart CT scan showed normal and it is similar). I am so grateful that I went in when I did. This whole experience was another reminder how I have always been led by the Holy Spirit. God has always been faithful to me - guiding me, protecting me, comforting me. This time was no exception!