I Am Not Strong!

A guest post by an anonymous writer, which will be an ongoing series. Please join us on her journey!

There are a few things I keep hearing over and over:

• You are so strong!
• You are so brave! 
• You are so positive! 

Let me tell you a secret - I am none of those things. Perhaps in moments, I am those things. When I am, it is not me that is strong, brave or positive - it is Christ in me!

This verse expresses it best. 2 Corinthians 12:9
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is perfected in weakness.” Therefore, I will most gladly boast all the more about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may reside in me

Here is the amplified version, which explains the meaning all the more:
He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you [My lovingkindness and My mercy are more than enough—always available—regardless of the situation]; for [My] power is being perfected [and is completed and shows itself most effectively] in [your] weakness.”Therefore, I will all the more gladly boast in my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ [may completely enfold me and] may dwell in me.

Furthermore, it occurred to me recently that resignation can look like strength and apathy can look like optimism, on the surface. I hate to say it, but many days I feel resigned that bad things will, in fact, happen - not maybe, absolutely. This resignation is a sort of acceptance and may look like strength because I am not "falling apart".

Similarly, many days I really do not care - I am apathetic. I am not complaining or having a pity party, though. So some may assume I am being positive. The truth is I am just putting one foot in front of the other.

I am not sure what brave looks like. Maybe brave looks like willingly doing what needs to be done to get to the other side. To me, this is just survival!

Do I want to be strong, brave, and positive? Yes, I do. And maybe one day I will see, in hindsight that I was those things during this time. I certainly have moments. But I also have moments of fear, resignation, and apathy. In these moments I hold on to these verses about perseverance: 

Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him. James 1:12 

We also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. Romans 5:3-4 

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.James 1:2-4

I am not even sure some days whether I will get to a better place or not. However, I am hopeful and one thing I do know for sure is that I am a survivor and God has protected me in many ways during this process. We shall see what I learn from this in hindsight someday down the road!