Monday, February 9, 2015

I'm Sorry for My Blessings

Last week I was filling out a medical history form to take to an appointment with a doctor I had never seen before. I was quickly filling it out and when I got to this part, I paused for a moment.
                                                          Number of pregnancies__
                                                          Number of live births__
                                                          Number of surgical births__
 I wasn't sure why but it gave me an uneasy feeling. I continued to fill out the form including filling in 4, 5 and 0 in the above spaces. When I was done I went back at stared at this.
                                                          Number of pregnancies 4
                                                          Number of live births 5
                                                          Number of surgical births 0

I suddenly felt very blessed, but instead of feeling happy, I felt guilty and sad. I knew most mothers aren't blessed with these kinds of numbers. I knew most people don't have kids outnumber pregnancies or even an equal number of pregnancies and children. I knew that many mothers have unwanted surgical births. I tried to be happy and feel blessed, but i could not stop obsessing over it. Sadness washed over me, and no matter how hard I tried to put it out of my mind, for days I felt very sad. I decided to look up the statistics.

Many pregnancies end before they even start without the mother ever knowing she is pregnant. The percentage of babies lost to miscarriage or stillborn between 4-40 weeks combined equals 19%. That is nearly 1 in 5. I felt like I was going to be sick with the knowledge that statistically  one of my babies should not have lived. Knowing this made me even more sad, guilty and now more than anything SORRY.

sorry for being able to conceive so easily, when some women can't,
sorry for having easy pregnancies, when some women suffer,
sorry for having zero miscarriages, when some women have many,
sorry for never needing a cesarean section, when some women do,
sorry for having five kids, when some women have none or less than desired,
sorry for having almost ideal birth experiences, when some women don't,
sorry for complaining about my kids,
sorry for taking my kids for granted,

To the mamas who struggle to conceive again, I am sorry.
To those women who want to conceive and remain childless, I am sorry.
To the mams who endure much suffering during pregnancy, I am sorry.
To the mamas who have lost babies, I am sorry.
To the mamas who have had unwanted surgical births, I am sorry.
To the mamas who have scary and complicated births, I am sorry.
To the mamas who long for more children, I am sorry.

I have so many blessing. I know I should be grateful and happy, yet, I am not. I am very sad, sad for those who don't. I don't understand why I was chosen to be so blessed when so many women suffer. I feel very guilty and undeserving that I cry over it. I cry for all the suffering mamas.

                               I am sorry for my blessings.