Friday, July 10, 2015

A Day in the Life of My Freakish Mind

My mind is sort of freakish. If I am worried, concerned or stressed out about something, I have random thought about anything that could possibly go wrong concerning the matter at hand. This symptom is part of my anxiety disorder and the one I hate the most. I had a day recently where this happened all day long. I am here to give you a glimpse of what that looked like. Unfortunately, it happens more than I care to admit.

It was the Thursday before Independence Day. We would be leaving for the weekend the next morning. I had a ton of shit to get done and didn't have time for nonsense. I packed my children's suitcases when I got up. Then they went to a friends for the day so I could run errands, pack my own things and make a potluck item to take with us for the party we would be attending.

I left the house two hours before I was due at a doctor appointment. I stopped for gas at the next town over, about 7 miles away. As I was just about finished pumping gas, a cop pulled up at the pump beside me. I went into a panic because I had expired tabs and I still had to go in and pay.

These thought went through my head as I finished, walked in and paid:

  • Oh, no! What should I do?
  • He's gonna give me a ticket, I just know it!
  • Should I tell him I am on my way to get tabs?
  • Maybe I should say hi to make myself look less suspicious,
  • or maybe that will make me more suspicious, I don't know.
  • What if he does give me a ticket, should I talk him out of it?
  • Can I see the van from inside so I can watch what he does?
  • If I see him writing one do I have time to run out and stop him?
  • What if he is behind me when I leave, then I get pulled over?
  • How much is an expired tab ticket anyway?
This was all in under five minutes. I was sitting in the van trying to collect my thoughts after I came out, when I realized I needed to wait until he left so he wouldn't be behind me. He left going the opposite direction I would be going so I was in the clear. Until.......

I arrived at the next town where the remainder of my errands would take place. First, I went to the liquor store to get some beer for the weekend. While I was inside I imagined a cop coming along to give me a ticket so I hurried up as fast as possible. I got done in under five minutes and went out to my van. I had a half hour until my doctor appointment so my next stop was to go get tabs for the van.
The stupid van did not start! WTF!!!! Just my luck. I tried it again, still nothing. I decided to wait a few minutes and try it again.

The following thoughts went through my head:

  • Great, I am going to be stuck here!
  • I need to be towed!
  • I don't have money for towing!
  • I bet the dealership doesn't even have a rental for me!
  • We are gonna have to stay home and miss the whole weekend of fun! 
  • I am going to miss my doctors appointment too!
  • How am I supposed to grocery shop now! 
  • What if the van can't be fixed? We don't have money for a monthly car payment and no money to buy a used one outright!
Two minutes had passed. Van starts. PHEW! On to the city center to get tabs. I am afraid to turn the van off and be late for the doctor. I leave it run. There are 9 people ahead of me in line!
Thought are as follows:

  • How??? Why??? What the hell is happening!!!
  • Someone is gonna steal the van! (repeat several times over two minutes)
  • No, it is parked on the side, I am sure no one even noticed.
  • Yes they did, it is gone for sure by now!
  • No, who would even want that junky thing?
  • I bet a criminal might!
  • HURRY UP PEOPLE, Can't you see I am very upset?? (not looking at all upset)
  • Oh, good, I'm done. I hope the van is still there.
  • Oh, thank god, no one stole the van. 
  • Ten minutes to kill. Yep, I'm so good!
Next I went to the clinic for my doctor appointment. I shut off the van and locked it. Over the next hour several thoughts occurred to me about the van:

  • If the van doesn't start I won't have time to get groceries.
  • Will I even have time to get it towed and get a rental?
  • If they don't have a rental I will be stuck here.
  • I have to get the kids by 5 or they will be late for VBS.
  • I need to leave town in two hours if I don't want them to be late.
  • I wonder if I can work it out in two hours, even if I skip grocery shopping.
  • I can't skip shopping though.
  • Maybe if I get a rental I can just come back tonight after VBS for groceries.
  • But I still have to pack, shower, and make dip.
  • I am gonna be up all night.
  • Why does all this stupid crap happen to me?
  • I wonder where the doctor is. I have shit to get done!
The doctor came it, all was well and I went to the van, all the while thinking, please start, please start, please start. The van started. I went to the grocery store. I had an hour to shop before I needed to leave town.

I went into the grocery store and started shopping. Again I started thinking about the stupid van.

  • What if the van doesn't start when I come out?
  • Then I will surely be late.
  • I don't even know if the dealership will be able to help me at that point, it might be too late.
  • My ice cream is going to melt. 
  • My milk is going to spoil.
  • All the frozen food and produce will spoil.
  • If I don't get a rental who would be able to pick me up?
  • What would I do with all the groceries?
  • The kids are going to miss the last day of VBS.
  • We won't be able to go up north.
  • We can't miss my sisters last show with the band and the family reunion. We need to be there.
  • What am I supposed to do?
  • I wonder if a friend will let us borrow a vehicle.
  • This is so dumb!
I finished grocery shopping and the van started great. I went home, unloaded cold and frozen foods and went to get my kids. I dropped them off at VBS, went home and unpacked groceries and took a shower. I went to the program at the end of VBS, came home, made dip and packed. I was in bed by midnight and all was well with the world.

We went up north. The van started at every place I was and we had a great time. The van went in last week to get checked out. It was just a low battery, and it was under warranty so they charged it up for free. I did all that thinking and worrying for nothing. But I never learn. That is how my freakish anxiety mind works. It's the one thing I can count on happening every single time anything goes wrong. I say to myself "WTF brain! Chill out!" but I really don't think that is how it works!

Does your brain work in freakish ways too? Tell me about it!