Thursday, July 16, 2015

In Her Shadow

For as long as I can remember my twin sister has outdone me in every area of life.

As a child she bossed me around and I did whatever she wanted. She was the leader.

In elementary school I had to be in a reading group since I was in the lowest level of reading.
She didn't.

In high school, I was the fat twin (130), she was the skinny twin (117).
She was the smart twin (A's), I was the dumb twin (B's).
She was the good twin (never did a bad thing), I was the bad twin (drinking, smoking, and sex).
She was the pretty twin (long blonde hair, good skin), I was the ugly twin (Short permed hair, bad acne).

In college she finished her bachelor's degree on the dean's list.
I only made it one semester, my grades sucked so bad they cut off my financial aid.
She went on to get a master's degree.

I got married and have lived in the same state my whole life.
She lived in many states, and another country.

She did volunteer work for a year, I never did.

I live in a old terribly run down house. She is about to buy a brand new custom home.
Her household income is 1.5 times what ours is. She has investments and savings. We have an overdrawn checkbook.
Her kid go to private school, mine go to public school.

Most recently, she even outdid me in childbirth. She had a 51 1/2 hour labor and vaginal delivery after two previous cesareans. My longest labor was 33 hrs, and I never did a VBAC.

The differences are tantamount to that of strangers. There is nothing about our lives that give any indication of our parallel upbringing. I have no idea how this happened, and I have no idea how to stop the madness. I am sick of being outdone at every turn but I have no clue how to turn the tides.

Maybe acceptance is the first step to finding peace with it, or to stop feeling like a mere shadow of her. I do not stand out in any area of life. I have no major accomplishments that make me anything but just less than her.

I wonder what will be next. I am always waiting for the next big thing she will do.

I realize comparison is the thief of joy and all that jazz, I just don't know how to stop trying to measure up to my own twin. I also do not think people realize what it feels like to be a twin, let alone feel like your twin out does you at every turn. It is a very hard thing for people to understand.

I love my sister dearly. She is my best friend. I am happy for all her accomplishments. I just wish I was better than her in some way, just one thing. That is all I want!

We are that coin, I am the shadow, she is the light. We cannot exist without each other.

Is there someone in your life that you feel like you are always in her shadow?