Maxed-Out Minivan: Brave

A guest post by an anonymous writer, which will be an ongoing series.

Please join us on her journey!

I just completed my next (and maybe last) surgery for reconstruction on Dec.6. This surgery included taking out the tissue expander and putting an implant in on my left side, nipple repair and I had my fallopian tubes taken out. I did this for birth control, but also to check for cancerous cells. Many cases of uterine or ovarian cancer start in the tubes. So we can get the tubes biopsied and see if there are any signs of cancer, which will give me some peace of mind. I am so glad to be done with this step. Last night a friend called me "so strong and brave" after my surgery. I thought "having surgery isn't brave, It's annoying and necessary, but a lot of other things on this journey require much more bravery than surgery".

brave/brāv/
adjective
ready to face and endure danger or pain; showing courage.

Throughout this journey, I have been called brave more times than I can remember. Brave to face my diagnosis, brave to make decisions, brave to handle complications, brave to have so many surgeries, brave to endure. Oddly, these are not the areas that I have felt I needed to be brave. These were just the practical things that needed to be done, like a chore. It has not been the obvious things, the noticeable things. It has been the less obvious, underlying things instead.

Here are some areas I have had to be brave:

Asking difficult questions: I have had to ask questions of my doctors, other survivors, myself, God. It would be much easier to not ask anythingHowever, it is necessary for so many instances - to be informed of options and to get complete information.
Sharing about my journey / being vulnerable: For a long time, I did not share about my experience, especially in the beginning. I have only shared face to face a few times. Only this past month have I shared with most people. Until November only a select few people knew about my diagnosis and journey.
Writing this blog series: It is not easy to pour my guts out onto paper. I really do not like it. At some point, I had to get over it, be brave, and get my truth and experience out there! This, I knew, was a call from God. So I listened and followed through, but it was not easy.
Admitting I needed some help navigating this journey: Several months after my diagnosis I joined a cancer support group. Just recently, I started going to a group to address my anxiety, and see a counselor individually. Taking the steps to get there was definitely brave. Spilling my guts and sharing what I think, especially at times I am being unreasonable, is not easy.
Starting a fundraiser for my last step of reconstruction: This has been one of the most difficult things thus far. I have never asked for money in my life and it has felt very selfish at times. I had to be brave, knowing many people will judge me for it considering the money is used to have a better aesthetic result. This surgery is not life-saving. It is cosmetic at face value. However, I came to realize it is not "just aesthetic" considering right now, as is, I feel disfigured from all of the scars and the ripples that could be covered with another surgery. I think I made the right choice so I can feel whole again. Of course, if we don't raise the money, that will not be possible. If that is the case, I will have to learn to accept my reconstruction as it is (fundraiser link: Go Fund Me).
Going it alone: Much of this journey has been me and God. I have had long periods without help and have been isolated with very little emotional support at many times. I do not have to be brave when I have help. When I don't have help, that is brave.
Facing Fears (daily): One thing I did not expect to have to address is fear of recurrence or another type of cancer. Early on, I found out that this is a very common reaction to cancer. For me it is a constant nagging feeling, like a fly buzzing in my ear...more annoying than debilitating, but disruptive nonetheless. It is impossible to feel at peace with this daily, sometimes hourly, sense of dread. I thought I had escaped this "normal" reaction, as I just recently started to experience it. However, now, it is so prevalent that it is interfering with my emotional well being. Facing this daily has forced me to be brave. Life continues so I must face these fears whenever they arise,
Asking for help: This has been difficult and definitely took bravery. I do not like to ask for, nor accept, help. I want to think I can handle anything. However, to be honest, I have never handled anything by myself, because I have always had God helping me. I have had to swallow my pride and ask for help MANY times. I so appreciate the meals, help with child care, school pick-ups, visits and help from my family (many flying to my state to help).