"The End" is Not The End

A guest post by an anonymous writer, which will be an ongoing series. 
Please join us on her journey!

I'm in this odd place at the moment. I am a cancer survivor in a very real way - I'm cancer free and really have been since my mastectomy in February! How profound. Even more profound is the sense that this is not the end of my journey. No one tells those going through cancer treatment that part. It's never really "over". A cancer survivor doesn't just go back to life as it was before cancer. That was always my plan. I thought I could just forget I even had to go through it, especially since because it was caught early, I was able to escape things like chemotherapy and radiation and felt like I was never really facing much danger. Everything I went through was to ensure I would not have to go through even more later. I do not regret my decisions, especially given the emotional toll having faced cancer has taken on me, my family and my relationships. Up until mid-December, I was just looking forward to being "done". In my mind, once I had my last necessary surgery, I would be "done". I was sorely mistaken. This journey is far from over.

On December 6, as I was driving home from my first post-surgery follow up, I had this deep sense of loss, sadness, grief, depression. I could not figure out why. I thought "What in the world! I should be overjoyed! I thought I just had to make it to my last surgery". Two days later I met with the coordinator for the YMCA ABC (After Breast Cancer) program and was enlightened as to some of the reasons I am feeling this way.  Since then I have come to realize more and more why the last surgery or treatment is not the end. Apparently, according to my doctor, my therapist and the ABC Coordinator, these are typical and not an exception. 

1. Adrenaline - During treatment / ongoing care, a person is mostly just trying to put one foot in front of the other. A lot of focus is on the "next" - the next appointment, treatment, surgery. This causes a lot of adrenaline rushes. The body essentially becomes dependent on this adrenaline, like a drug. Once these things are coming to an end - sometimes abruptly - the body craves that adrenaline and the drop can create a crash/depression. Many cancer survivors start taking anti-depressants sometime after treatment ends. 
2. Body Image Issues - with cancer comes body changes. Body changes and body image issues can also affect marriage and intimacy. For me, I have many scars and ripples that may be permanent. We are still working to raise funds for a fat transfer from my twin sister to do fat grafting, which covers the ripples and gives a better chance to regain sensation (GoFundMe). I think this would also help me feel more whole. Whether or not I have that surgery, I have a lot of emotional healing to do regarding the changes in my body due to all of the surgeries. 
3. Grief - again - during treatment, there is not the luxury to deal with every loss that is experienced. Many times, the losses experienced have to be dealt with after treatment is completed. This means going through all the stages of grief for every loss. A grief related emotion can be experienced when least expected.
4. Fear-based response - One thing typical with cancer is fear. Fear, if not handled, can turn into anxiety or rage. This response can be incorrectly directed toward others, especially those closest to the survivor, or can be directed inward. Both can be very damaging.
5. Cancer concerns - for me, about six months ago I became very concerned about having another type of cancer I am not aware of. Every ache.  or pain I have, I wonder if it is cancer. Sometimes, out of the blue I wonder. This is an ongoing, many times daily thing in the front of my mind always. I would describe it as being like a fly buzzing around my head - not debilitating but impossible to ignore.
6. Relationships - all of the things above can profoundly affect relationships. Especially if loved ones do not understand or try to figure out the root of the behavior, a lot of damage can be done (sometimes irreparably) to relationships. I have seen the result of this in my own journey, unfortunately. It hurts my heart the damage that my behavior  has caused in my relationships. I have learned from every hurt I have felt or caused. 

I am currently facing all of the above things, on top of being utterly exhausted from so many surgeries. It takes up to a year for anesthesia to be out of the body. I am doing what I can to take good care of myself to navigate these difficult things. I am finding a lot of hope in God! I have to remember to surrender my fears and anxieties daily, sometimes many times! These two songs have helped me tremendously!

Maybe It's Ok - We Are Messengers

Known - Tauren Wells