Monday, November 17, 2014

Never Enough

I cannot recall I time when I didn't feel I wasn't something enough. These messages have been sent to me throughout my life (directly or indirectly) from many sources.

     As a teenager:
     I wasn't cool enough.
     I was always compared to my twin sister, who was always better at school and a smaller than me.
     I wasn't smart enough.
     I wasn't skinny enough.
     I had bad acne, I wasn't pretty enough.
   
     At home:
     I wasn't responsible enough.
     I wasn't respectful enough.

Now that I am an adult, and have been for 20 years, things haven't changed much, except there are more things I am not something enough at.

     As a wife:
     I don't clean enough.
     I don't smile enough.
     I'm not happy enough.
     I'm not nice enough.
     I am not content enough.
     I am not affectionate enough.
     I am not attentive enough.
     I am not accepting enough.
     I am not quiet enough.

     As a mother:
     I am not patient enough.
     I am not nice enough.
     I am not fun enough.
     I am not affectionate enough.
     I don't give my kids enough of what they want (treats, toys, clothes, devices).
     I don't take my kids enough fun places.

     As a friend:
     I don't call enough.
     I don't help enough.
     I don't listen enough.
   
     At school:
     I don't volunteer enough.
     I am not involved enough.
     I don't communicate enough.
     I don't care enough.

     In my extended family and my husbands extended family:
     I don't visit enough.
     I am not accepting enough.
     I am not positive enough.
     I am not relaxed enough.                                                        
     I am not happy enough.
     I am not quiet enough.
     I am generally not pleasant enough.

     In society in general:
     I am not attractive enough.
     I am not fashionable enough.
     I am not active enough.
     I am not healthy enough.
     I am not creative enough.
     I am not smart enough.

All my life I have spent so much time and energy trying to become enough whatever to whoever had expectations of me. When I failed to, I tried harder and it never worked because it is an impossible task. No one can be enough of every single thing. That is what makes us human. We are not infallible. I now understand that the demand is too high. I cannot be enough everything to everyone. I realize now that I need to stop basing my definition of enough on what others think is enough. I need to focus on being ME enough, regardless of what others think I am not enough of. I need to focus on being enough of the things I feel are important to be, because I am.

                                  I AM ENOUGH!!!!