Today my husband turns 43. It should be like any other birthday. It should be about celebrating and having fun with the family. However it is not. It is only scary.
You see, my own father died when he was 43 and I was 9.
My husband is 43 now, and I do have a 9 year old.
My kids would be devastated if we lost him.
I can not even imagine what we would do.
I feel like from here on out I am just going to be waiting for the other shoe to drop. I know it is possible. Probable, no. Possible, yes!
I don't want my kids to be scared their dad is going to die any day like mine did, so I try to act normal. This is no small feat. It is torture actually. Not being able to scream and cry and will him not to be 43 is difficult.
My mother lived nearly 30 years after my father died. I do not want to walk around on this earth for 30 years without my husband. I have been with him my entire adult life. The thought of it makes me nervous and tense. Again probable, no. But possible, yes.
I need to find a way to spin this another way. Maybe be grateful for every extra day I get with him that mom didn't get with dad. Maybe give him lots of love and thank God for keeping him here with me. I really do not know how I am going to not think about losing him constantly, but I need to find a way, because at the moment, I have a permanent lump in my throat choking out all my joy with worry.
I realize worrying does no good, that this fear is irrational, and that I can not live this way, but the panic will not leave me alone.
God willing, the fear will pass, I will get used to his age and live life to the fullest, together with him!
Do you have a gripping irrational fear of someone close to you dying young?
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