How New Trauma Can Heal Past Trauma: Staying Present and Letting Go

A guest post by an anonymous writer, which will be an ongoing series. 
Please join us on her journey!

Can experiencing a new trauma heal an old trauma? I was wondering this yesterday as I realized past traumas now hold very little space in my life (hallelujah!). I even texted my therapist to ask her if this was possible. It seems strange to me that trauma can be healed simply by experiencing a new trauma. I am facing enough current trauma to work through to have to worry about old traumas, so this is such a blessing. 

I have had many traumatic experiences in my lifetime, the most recent being two unwanted cesareans and then pelvic organ prolapse after my traumatic VBA2C with my last child. These life events that once held a lot of negative connotations at the least and caused a lot of suffering at most seem so insignificant to me now. A lot of my suffering was caused by the stories I had around these events - who I was, how I failed, etc. My identity was tied so much in my mind to these things that I found it impossible to let go of them.  

As I thought about the REAL reason my current circumstances have led to healed past trauma, three things came to me - perspective, staying present and letting go. These are things I always had some control over, though this new trauma is what caused my mindset shift (prompted by the Holy Spirit). One does not have to experience a new trauma in order to heal from past ones. In my case, it was just the push I needed to change.

• Perspective - going through any kind of cancer diagnosis and treatment can drastically change your perspective on past and current events. For me, all of my past traumas shifted in my mind from devastating to events in my life that I experienced. They did not have to hold so much weight. They changed me and are a part of who I am, but they do not define me. Cancer has minimized my past traumas in my mind and the effect they have on me and my everyday life from debilitating at times to very insignificant in the scheme of life. 
• Staying Present - it is very difficult for past trauma to have a hold while staying present. I truly believe that much of my healing came because of the necessity to stay present while dealing with cancer. Honestly, I didn't have time to focus on much else besides taking care of my family. In this case, I was forced to stay present. However, I can always make the choice to be present, even when not in a situation that forces me to be present. Bing present has always been a struggle for me. I did not fully recognize the need to stay present nor did I feel like I had the luxury to do so. Now, though, I see the value in it more than I ever did.
• Letting Go - Letting go of the past is much easier said than done. I have not made a habit of dwelling on the past, but I have allowed it to haunt me and hurt me. I do not know what the method for letting go is right now, just that it is a very important step for healing. I am definitely going to do the work of letting go, especially in processing the trauma that has resulted from cancer. I have managed to let go of most past traumas, so I am confident I can learn to let go of these most recent traumas and any that are a part of my future.

I hope I can use what I have learned about trauma through my experience with cancer and apply it to my life so I do not have to needlessly suffer. I do not have to experience a more significant trauma for this to happen. I can shift my perspective, learn to stay present and learn to let go to heal any trauma. The Holy Spirit has helped me along this path and to come to these conclusions. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I will continue to heal if I continue to rely on Him.

Mercy Me - The Hurt and the Healer

"The End" is Not The End

A guest post by an anonymous writer, which will be an ongoing series. 
Please join us on her journey!

I'm in this odd place at the moment. I am a cancer survivor in a very real way - I'm cancer free and really have been since my mastectomy in February! How profound. Even more profound is the sense that this is not the end of my journey. No one tells those going through cancer treatment that part. It's never really "over". A cancer survivor doesn't just go back to life as it was before cancer. That was always my plan. I thought I could just forget I even had to go through it, especially since because it was caught early, I was able to escape things like chemotherapy and radiation and felt like I was never really facing much danger. Everything I went through was to ensure I would not have to go through even more later. I do not regret my decisions, especially given the emotional toll having faced cancer has taken on me, my family and my relationships. Up until mid-December, I was just looking forward to being "done". In my mind, once I had my last necessary surgery, I would be "done". I was sorely mistaken. This journey is far from over.

On December 6, as I was driving home from my first post-surgery follow up, I had this deep sense of loss, sadness, grief, depression. I could not figure out why. I thought "What in the world! I should be overjoyed! I thought I just had to make it to my last surgery". Two days later I met with the coordinator for the YMCA ABC (After Breast Cancer) program and was enlightened as to some of the reasons I am feeling this way.  Since then I have come to realize more and more why the last surgery or treatment is not the end. Apparently, according to my doctor, my therapist and the ABC Coordinator, these are typical and not an exception. 

1. Adrenaline - During treatment / ongoing care, a person is mostly just trying to put one foot in front of the other. A lot of focus is on the "next" - the next appointment, treatment, surgery. This causes a lot of adrenaline rushes. The body essentially becomes dependent on this adrenaline, like a drug. Once these things are coming to an end - sometimes abruptly - the body craves that adrenaline and the drop can create a crash/depression. Many cancer survivors start taking anti-depressants sometime after treatment ends. 
2. Body Image Issues - with cancer comes body changes. Body changes and body image issues can also affect marriage and intimacy. For me, I have many scars and ripples that may be permanent. We are still working to raise funds for a fat transfer from my twin sister to do fat grafting, which covers the ripples and gives a better chance to regain sensation (GoFundMe). I think this would also help me feel more whole. Whether or not I have that surgery, I have a lot of emotional healing to do regarding the changes in my body due to all of the surgeries. 
3. Grief - again - during treatment, there is not the luxury to deal with every loss that is experienced. Many times, the losses experienced have to be dealt with after treatment is completed. This means going through all the stages of grief for every loss. A grief related emotion can be experienced when least expected.
4. Fear-based response - One thing typical with cancer is fear. Fear, if not handled, can turn into anxiety or rage. This response can be incorrectly directed toward others, especially those closest to the survivor, or can be directed inward. Both can be very damaging.
5. Cancer concerns - for me, about six months ago I became very concerned about having another type of cancer I am not aware of. Every ache.  or pain I have, I wonder if it is cancer. Sometimes, out of the blue I wonder. This is an ongoing, many times daily thing in the front of my mind always. I would describe it as being like a fly buzzing around my head - not debilitating but impossible to ignore.
6. Relationships - all of the things above can profoundly affect relationships. Especially if loved ones do not understand or try to figure out the root of the behavior, a lot of damage can be done (sometimes irreparably) to relationships. I have seen the result of this in my own journey, unfortunately. It hurts my heart the damage that my behavior  has caused in my relationships. I have learned from every hurt I have felt or caused. 

I am currently facing all of the above things, on top of being utterly exhausted from so many surgeries. It takes up to a year for anesthesia to be out of the body. I am doing what I can to take good care of myself to navigate these difficult things. I am finding a lot of hope in God! I have to remember to surrender my fears and anxieties daily, sometimes many times! These two songs have helped me tremendously!

Maybe It's Ok - We Are Messengers

Known - Tauren Wells

Brave

A guest post by an anonymous writer, which will be an ongoing series.

Please join us on her journey!

I just completed my next (and maybe last) surgery for reconstruction on Dec.6. This surgery included taking out the tissue expander and putting an implant in on my left side, nipple repair and I had my fallopian tubes taken out. I did this for birth control, but also to check for cancerous cells. Many cases of uterine or ovarian cancer start in the tubes. So we can get the tubes biopsied and see if there are any signs of cancer, which will give me some peace of mind. I am so glad to be done with this step. Last night a friend called me "so strong and brave" after my surgery. I thought "having surgery isn't brave, It's annoying and necessary, but a lot of other things on this journey require much more bravery than surgery". 

brave/brāv/
adjective
ready to face and endure danger or pain; showing courage.

Throughout this journey, I have been called brave more times than I can remember. Brave to face my diagnosis, brave to make decisions, brave to handle complications, brave to have so many surgeries, brave to endure. Oddly, these are not the areas that I have felt I needed to be brave. These were just the practical things that needed to be done, like a chore. It has not been the obvious things, the noticeable things. It has been the less obvious, underlying things instead.

Here are some areas I have had to be brave:

1. Asking difficult questions: I have had to ask questions of my doctors, other survivors, myself, God. It would be much easier to not ask anythingHowever, it is necessary for so many instances - to be informed of options and to get complete information.
2. Sharing about my journey / being vulnerable: For a long time, I did not share about my experience, especially in the beginning. I have only shared face to face a few times. Only this past month have I shared with most people. Until November only a select few people knew about my diagnosis and journey.
3. Writing this blog series: It is not easy to pour my guts out onto paper. I really do not like it. At some point, I had to get over it, be brave, and get my truth and experience out there!  This, I knew, was a call from God. So I listened and followed through, but it was not easy.
4. Admitting I needed some help navigating this journey: Several months after my diagnosis I joined a cancer support group. Just recently, I started going to a group to address my anxiety, and see a counselor individually. Taking the steps to get there was definitely brave. Spilling my guts and sharing what I think, especially at times I am being unreasonable, is not easy.
5. Starting a fundraiser for my last step of reconstruction: This has been one of the most difficult things thus far. I have never asked for money in my life and it has felt very selfish at times. I had to be brave, knowing many people will judge me for it considering the money is used to have a better aesthetic result. This surgery is not life-saving. It is cosmetic at face value. However, I came to realize it is not "just aesthetic" considering right now, as is, I feel disfigured from all of the scars and the ripples that could be covered with another surgery. I think I made the right choice so I can feel whole again. Of course, if we don't raise the money, that will not be possible. If that is the case, I will have to learn to accept my reconstruction as it is (fundraiser link: Go Fund Me).
6. Going it alone: Much of this journey has been me and God. I have had long periods without help and have been isolated with very little emotional support at many times. I do not have to be brave when I have help. When I don't have help, that is brave.
7. Facing Fears (daily): One thing I did not expect to have to address is fear of recurrence or another type of cancer. Early on, I found out that this is a very common reaction to cancer. For me it is a constant nagging feeling, like a fly buzzing in my ear...more annoying than debilitating, but disruptive nonetheless. It is impossible to feel at peace with this daily, sometimes hourly, sense of dread. I thought I had escaped this "normal" reaction, as I just recently started to experience it. However, now, it is so prevalent that it is interfering with my emotional well being. Facing this daily has forced me to be brave. Life continues so I must face these fears whenever they arise, 
8. Asking for help: This has been difficult and definitely took bravery. I do not like to ask for, nor accept, help. I want to think I can handle anything. However, to be honest, I have never handled anything by myself, because I have always had God helping me. I have had to swallow my pride and ask for help MANY times. I so appreciate the meals, help with child care, school pick-ups, visits and help from my family (many flying to my state to help). 

I raise my eyes toward the mountains. Where will my help come from? 

My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth. 

He will not allow your foot to slip; your Protector will not slumber. 

 Indeed, the Protector of Israel does not slumber or sleep. 

The Lord protects you; the Lord is a shelter right by your side. 

The sun will not strike you by day, or the moon by night.  

The Lord will protect you from all harm; He will protect your life. 

The Lord will protect your coming and going both now and forever.

Psalm 121

Read other posts in this series:

Maxed Out Minivan

To start at part one go here:

Part 1: Stage Zero What? 

A Lonely Journey

A guest post by an anonymous writer, which will be an ongoing series.

Please join us on her journey!

If you asked anyone who is going through or has gone through cancer treatment of any type, they would tell you it is a lonely journey. One part of what makes it a lonely journey is that there is a lot of time spent going through parts of it literally alone. During treatments, after surgeries, at some or all doctor appointments, at tests, while resting, in the middle of the night due to insomnia, and others. These moments are lonely. Sometimes they are scary.

Another part of what makes it so lonely is that no one can truly understand all a person facing cancer is going through unless they have been there themselves. And people may not be readily available for support when it is needed. The best people to relate are those who have gone through it themselves. However, these are not the best people to ask for support, especially practical support, as they are going through their own journeys.

Another thing that makes the journey lonely is the length of the journey. In the time it takes to get cancer treatment, people will come and go in our lives. There will be a few people who are there from beginning to end (though the journey never truly ends), but we cannot expect those people to provide continual support. That is not practical and is not sustainable. It takes a lot of stamina to always be there for a person who is going through cancer treatment.

Then there are those who have been there in the past, through big life events but are no longer a part of the person with cancer's life, for various reasons. I said in a previous blog that walking through this without some people that I believed would be there with me in it is one of the most difficult parts. This still holds true. People who have died or live far away are most obvious. But there are also those who are no longer a part of my life, either by my choice or theirs, sometimes due to abandonment. This has been the most difficult to deal with. A lot of time is spent wishing I could tell so-and-so about this. And feeling abandoned by those who you counted on and are no longer there is very difficult. 

In all of these scenarios, the loneliness is a struggle. I was reminded this week that people are fallible. People fail us. People will abandon us, sometimes in our greatest times of need. People will not always be there in the moments we need someone, but God always will. My strength has got to come mainly from him. 

Ps 34:18 The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.

Deut 31:6 Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.

Joshua 1:9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.

Romans 8:38-39 For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Phil 4:19 And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.

Ps 32: 7 You are a hiding place for me; you preserve me from trouble; you surround me with shouts of deliverance.

Ps 34:4 I sought the Lord and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears.

Ps 51:11 Cast me not away from your presence, and take not your Holy Spirit from me.

2 Tim 4:16-17 At my first defense no one came to stand by me, but all deserted me. May it not be charged against them! But the Lord stood by me and strengthened me so that through me the message might be fully proclaimed and all the Gentiles might hear it. So I was rescued from the lion's mouth.

Lord, I JUST need YOU!

To see my fundraiser for the last stage of my reconstruction, go here (more into in previous post):
GoFundMe

Read other posts in this series:

Maxed Out Minivan

To start at part one go here:

Part 1: Stage Zero What?

Completing my Surgery Journey

A guest post by an anonymous writer, which will be an ongoing series.

Please join us on her journey!

This has been a very long journey thus far, including many blessings and struggles. I am been blessed beyond measure by several groups of women who have rallied around me: my sisters, many supportive friends and family, my amazing doctor, my community Mom's Club, my MOPS group, my VBAC group my Discipleship group and all of you blog readers, to name a few. I could not have come as far in this journey without all of you. Thank you immensely!

It will be one year since my diagnosis on November 9, 2018. I am finally nearing the end of the surgical part of my journey, but not without several obstacles. Because of unforeseen complications and circumstances, this will be my fourth surgery, to complete reconstruction. 

This surgery usually includes fat grafting to provide a more natural look and feel, minimize rippling and increases the chances of sensation. However, I have not had enough fat for this step thus far. Generously, my twin sister Heather has graciously agreed to donate her fat for this step, something that can only be done from identical twin to identical twin, and from no other donor. Unfortunately, insurance does not cover any donor costs. 

Throughout this process, I considered skipping reconstruction altogether. I honestly thought it did not matter to me. It turned out to matter much more to me than I ever anticipated. I considered skipping fat grafting, as I did not have enough of my own fat to complete this standard step. Yet, I kept feeling incomplete, less whole. Though I will never feel completely whole again, I do believe that this surgery will be a step in the right direction to healing emotionally and feeling as whole as I can, given the circumstances. So much was taken from me in this process, more than I could have known and was not prepared for. I abruptly weaned my son, have a plethora of scars, experience a lack of sensation and have been dramatically changed in appearance. This surgery is something that can begin to heal those losses. 

My amazing reconstruction surgeon has agreed to donate his services and is working tirelessly trying to make this opportunity a reality. However, my sister’s other costs will not be covered. These include hospital fees, anesthesia, prescriptions, compression garments, travel to TN for the surgery and lost wages. 

Surgery must be completed this calendar year and is scheduled for November 19, to accommodate schedules of all involved. Without funds, this step in the process will be skipped. 

I have just started a GoFundMe campaign to raise the funds needed to complete the surgery. I know that if this is in God's will, He will provide!  Furthermore, I know that no matter what the outcome, I can handle it!

My GoFundMe Campaign

Read other posts in this series:

Maxed Out Minivan

To start at part one go here:

Part 1: Stage Zero What?

On Vulnerability

A guest post by an anonymous writer, which will be an ongoing series.

Please join us on her journey!

I have been thinking a lot about how my journey has forced me to become more vulnerable. Some extent of vulnerability is necessary just to get a diagnosis. Then comes the treatment component. Physical vulnerability is just a part of the process - mammograms, MRI's, tests, exams, surgeries. Emotional vulnerability is another component, one which I was determined I was NOT going to subject myself to. I tried to separate myself from the process to avoid emotional vulnerability. I sort of went through the motions as a kind of observer of the process for as long as I could.

I am not "good" at vulnerability. I am totally uncomfortable with exposing myself. Being authentic was always something I prided myself on. I was an "open book" for a long time. I  was just "myself" with no apologies. I loved that part of myself - not caring what anyone thought. I would like to think I still do not care what anyone thinks of me, but if I am honest, that just is not the case. Too many things have happened in my adulthood that have made me a lot more guarded and protective - probably to an unhealthy extent. After my diagnosis I was quite thankful I had learned to be more guarded, to not show myself to very many people. It made me stronger in a sense, more able to handle any news, treatment option, or plan without much regard for how I felt about it. I was being strictly reasonable about it - studying my options as an observer of my own life - not a part of it emotionally - using only facts to drive my decisions.

This approach worked for a while. I was very matter of fact about the entire situation. I never cried about it - just trudged on to the next decision. This all changed the day mastectomy became the best course of action. I was surprised by my reaction, but I cried in the radiologist's office. Then I cried talking to the surgeon. Then I went back to being matter of fact for a few months to decide what to do. By the time I decided on a bilateral mastectomy (both sides) I was back to crying about it. All this time I was going it alone - mostly. Only a few people knew what I was going through. None of my friends knew. I had only told a few of my sisters and of course my husband and kids. 

At some point, complete vulnerability became a necessary evil (in my mind). I had no choice but to face it all, emotionally, in order to tell extended family, and then to start this blog series. As I became more comfortable with being vulnerable, I started to tell anyone who would listen and cried to more people than I care to admit. Essentially, I was becoming more of that authentic self that I used to love about me. 

There were a lot of benefits to allowing myself to be vulnerable:

• I FELT better to some extent, feeling like I was no longer alone. 
• I received the support I would not have otherwise received (through support groups, childcare and meals provided after surgeries, words of encouragement from others).
• I was able to write things that may have helped others.
• I found some purpose for what I was going through.

Despite all the benefits, I struggled with being so vulnerable. I still felt horrible about being so exposed. Every time I would tell someone, ask for prayer, inadvertently cry about it to someone while talking about it, I felt torn - like this vulnerability was a mistake. I have a hard time discerning who actually cares and who is just being "nice". When I did not receive any response about a way I felt or didn't have people checking on me I would wonder if I should have told anyone. I still feel this way at times.

A few weeks ago I made a hard decision to share my blog with a particular person I am not and never will be close with but thought it would encourage. At first, it was received well, but over time has seemed like a horrible mistake. I have felt exposed and judged because of that decision. I feel like the gesture was misunderstood and I have felt worse about that than I have about any choice I have made for vulnerability thus far.

I am still struggling with vulnerability. I was supposed to be done with this whole process in July. I am now ready for this to be a chapter of my life to be over - to close the book on it. To pretend it never happened. That is where I am right now. I just want to be done with it. I want to go back to the way things were. I want to not have to doubt things I share or how people react. I wonder, because of my experience with vulnerability - how raw and emotional it has made me feel (something I am totally uncomfortable with) - if I will ever be able to make the choice for vulnerability again. I would like to think I have learned that vulnerability is worth it. I am not so sure. I wonder if instead, I will become even more guarded in the future than I was before this whole chapter began (if that is even possible).

I want to believe vulnerability is worth it. I am just not there yet...because sometimes it isn't. Vulnerability is a risk. Now to decide: Is it a risk worth taking?

For now I am holding on to the knowledge that I am not alone, even when I feel like I am:
"Even when it feels like my world is shaken, even when I've had all that I can take, I know you never let me go...I know no matter how it ends, you're with me even then"
(See video below)

Read other posts in this series:

Maxed Out Minivan

To start at part one go here:

Part 1: Stage Zero What?

I Am Not My Body

A guest post by an anonymous writer, which will be an ongoing series.

Please join us on her journey!

We live in an appearance-obsessed culture. We change everything we can about ourselves to conform to some ideal image in our heads (whatever we can afford) from hair color, eye color, the length of our eyelashes or nails to more permanent things like cosmetic surgeries to "fix" everything that is wrong with us. We also buy trendy clothes, wear makeup and do everything possible to look like a better version of ourselves. My question is: aren't we ok just being ourselves? (and don't get me started on what we are teaching our daughters by buying into these messages that we are not good enough "as is". We think we are doing it "for fun" or some other reason but the truth is we have been brainwashed). 

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. Romans 12:2

Luckily, I never bought in much to all these messages (though they are everywhere). I have never colored or highlighted my hair (except a radical color a few times in my life). In fact, I only ever get it cut 1-2 times a year! I do not get my nails done (except maybe a few times a year). I don't get fake eyelashes, do not need to wear trendy clothes (and usually don't...most of my clothes are 20 years old), and wear little to no makeup. I do not get botox or anything to "fix" my wrinkles and never thought I would get cosmetic surgery of any kind. My cesarean scar, stretch marks, and acne scars have never bothered me. I have always been comfortable in my own skin...until now. *(see disclaimer) After this surgery I feel disfigured and ugly for the first time on this journey. Not to mention the stress seems to have aged me 5 years.

It's been a little over two weeks since my burn repair surgery. During that surgery, the burn was sutured (huge scar), the implant was taken out and an empty expander placed (one flat boob). In a month the expander will start to be filled and the new implant will be placed in November or December. This may be my last surgery. Before this burn happened the plan was for a fat grafting surgery and possible adjustments. At this point, I have no idea when or if that is happening. I am so confused and really want to know a timeline and a plan.

After this surgery, I feel better about the burn but worse about what I look like. I am grateful to have a better (though incomplete) idea of when this will be complete. Having the burn felt like a never-ending journey. Not knowing any kind of plan or timeline was very daunting. However, I was very surprised to feel bad about my appearance, given I never really cared that much, at least for the last 10 years or so. I have been shocked every time I look in the mirror and have continued to cry about the entire situation. I did not know what I was going to wear with one flat boob for a month (which has now turned into six weeks before the expander begins to be filled). Luckily, I found a silicone bra insert I had and that has helped a lot, at least when clothed. But when I dress or shower all I see is scars and a disfigured, unattractive body. 

This is so hard for me mostly because feeling this way (disfigured, unattractive) has been so unexpected. I honestly never thought I would feel this way, even if I had opted for no reconstruction. Part of this is because I haven't felt this way yet. So I never expected to. Since my first surgery, I had some volume from the expanders, plus my own skin and nipples and few visible scars. This surgery has been a sudden change to one large visible scar (where my burn was) and almost no volume on one side. Additionally, the contrast to the complete side is shocking!

Through this, I have continued to recognize and remind myself that I am not my body. What I look like is not "me". Me is something else entirely.
Don’t let your beauty consist of outward things like elaborate hairstyles and wearing gold jewelry or fine clothes, but rather what is inside the heart—the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. 

1 Peter 3:3-4

The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart. 1 Samuel 16:7b

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. 

Proverbs 31:30

Here are some videos for you. I couldn't decide this week. Scroll down to view them all.
Scars to Your Beautiful -
"You should know you're beautiful just the way you are. And you don't have to change a thing, the world could change its heart. No scars to your beautiful, we're stars and we're beautiful"

Beautifully Broken -
"Even a million scars doesn't change whose (God's) you are...
Oh, the god who made the stars
Is the god that made your heart
And he's holding you right now
He can heal the broken parts
And make beauty from the scars, the scars, Beautiful scars!"
I love her reference to scars. I feel like they can be emotional and physical scars. In my case they are both.

You Say -
"The only thing that matters now is everything You think of me
In You I find my worth, in You I find my identity"
Being a child of God - the one who made me - is my identity, not my earthly body. My body is temporary, a tool to use on this earth. This song is a great reminder of what God thinks of me and who He sees when he looks at me.

Who You Say I Am -

"In my Father’s house
There’s a place for me
I’m a child of God
Yes I am
am chosen
Not forsaken
I am who You say I am
You are for me
Not against me
I am who You say I am"

Scars to Your Beautiful

Beautifully Broken

You Say

Who You Say I Am

* I do not judge other people who do these things. If it makes you happy, great. It just isn't for me and I do not find it necessary. God made you beautiful as is and you do not need to do these things. 

Read other posts in this series:

Maxed Out Minivan

To start at part one go here:

Part 1: Stage Zero What?

Why? Finding a Purpose for Trials

A guest post by an anonymous writer, which will be an ongoing series.

Please join us on her journey!

As I type this I am getting ready to have another unexpected surgery in two days. During my July 12 reconstruction surgery, I got a bad surgical burn at the top of my left breast. My doctor had every reason to believe it would heal. However, it did not. I had an appointment on August 13 and the doctor was shocked at how bad the burn still looked. So he recommended going back into surgery to get the burn sutured. I will then, basically, start over the reconstruction process on that side. During this surgery, the burn will be sutured. A new expander will be placed, but not filled and I will wait for the suture to heal for about a month. After it is healed, the expander can be filled, only a little at a time, to get back to a place where I will have enough room to place a new implant, the same size I have now. Luckily, the right side needs nothing to be done. It is going to be another year before I am in the best place I can be with this. The scar will take that long to heal, and have "scar revision" after I am done with all my surgeries and the scar has healed as much as it can on its own. 

Honestly, this burn has been the hardest thing to deal with in this entire process. I have cried more in the last four weeks than all the time before that since my diagnosis. I started to question my decision for reconstruction. I wondered why is this happening to me? Why is this not healing? What am I doing wrong? I am not mad at the doctor. He is very apologetic and knowing all the details, I do not think it was negligence. I believe it was an honest mistake. He has been very responsive, communicative, available and is doing everything he can to make it right.

While I haven't come up with the specific "Why" in this situation, I think every situation has a purpose or something we can learn from it. I do not yet know any higher purpose, but I hope to figure it out in the future. 

Despite the "not knowing", there are a few things I do know:

1. Nothing can hurt me - this sounds very odd, but it is something that struck me early on. I was thinking about getting a "bulletproof" tattoo and someone asked me what that means. I explained that no matter WHAT happens, I am always OK in the end. And in the End with a capital E, I am not only OK, but will have unfathomable joy, wholeness, and deliverance from every harmful thing. Furthermore, if I keep my eyes on Jesus and his unfailing love, the things of this world will not have the emotional effect that they have when I start to think of my current experience alone. It would be easy to get sucked into depression about many things in this world. However, these things are only temporal.


Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. 2 Cor 4:16-18
More on this here. Nothing Can Hurt Me!


2. God does not cause everything that happens to me, but he does allow things.  I believe everything that happens in life was either ordained by God or allowed by Him. If he allows hardship, it is for any number of reasons. It is never ordained by God for hardship to befall me. However, he may allow something (not stop it from happening) if it will help me, teach me something, protect me in the future from similar hardships (also learning), help someone else, give glory to Him or any number of reasons, many of which I will never understand.            
   
   "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, and your ways are not my ways." This is the LORD's declaration. Is 55:8            
3. God's hands are always on me, protecting me. Despite what I go through, God is always with me. This ties into how nothing can hurt me. I can always trust in Him to see me through to the other side and to give me hope in times of despair or doubt. 
   You are my shelter and my shield; I put my hope in your word. Ps 119:114 
   God is our refuge and strength, a helper who is always found in times of trouble. Ps 46:1

This has been a hard season. The hardest I can recall. Sometimes all I could do was cry. However, I haven't lost hope. God has always known what he is doing and always will, even if I don't always know what it is. I truly believe that and I have never stopped. 

This first song has been exactly how I have felt through most of the last month. The second one has given me hope and speaks to God's protection.

Read other posts in this series:

Maxed Out Minivan

To start at part one go here:

Part 1: Stage Zero What?

How to Help a Friend Facing Breast Cancer

A guest post by an anonymous writer, which will be an ongoing series.
Please join us on her journey!

Throughout this journey, from the time I was diagnosed until today, I have received many kinds of support from many people. I have not only received support from friends and family but also acquaintances, support group leaders and members and even strangers.  

I have never been a "needy" person. I learned to cope mostly by myself from a young age (relying mainly on myself and God). This is partly in response to life circumstances, being disappointed by others inability to help, and party due to my lack of courage to ask for help.

My experience with breast cancer has forced me to ask for help with certain things. Additionally, my willingness to share my story has resulted in many people reaching out to help me without my asking. It was these unprompted offers that have meant the most.

When people are faced with a person in need - any need - many do not know what to say or do, so they do nothing. I am here to tell you that saying or doing nothing is the worst thing a person can do. There have been times throughout this journey that I felt like no one cared. These were times when no one was saying or doing anything. It is a lonely journey at times. These were the times I relied most on God. So even in these lonely times, there was a gift - a gift of hope, a gift of joy, and a gift of remembering who loves me unconditionally, throughout all circumstances. However, without fail, whenever I started to feel (once again) that it was just me and God, someone came through for me.

Here are some things that you can do for someone facing breast cancer (or any surgery, illness or hardship, for that matter):

• Send a text or card to say "I'm thinking of you" or "How are you doing?" or "when is your next surgery/treatment/test/appointment?" A lot of words are not necessary. Just knowing someone is thinking of you, praying for you or willing to help means more than you know. - I received several cards and continue to receive meaningful texts.
• Offer to bring a meal or send a gift card for a restaurant. - Many meals were provided after my first surgery so I could focus on healing.
• Offer child care, especially after surgery - countless friends have taken my kids for appointments, support groups, or just to give me a break. Additionally, two of my sisters came for a week each just to be there to drive my kids to activities, do morning routines, play, do bedtimes, baths or anything I did not feel up to doing.
• Buy a practical gift related to the treatment such as comfy pajamas for recovery or self-care items - One of my most thoughtful gifts was a spa basket I received after my diagnosis. My friend met me at preschool pick up and brought me a coffee and a basket filled with bath salts, a candle, lavender infused socks, a spa mask, and lavender soap.
• Offer to help with personal care after surgery. - After my mastectomy I had three women come to help me with my drains. I also had 4 people signed up to help me wash my hair (help I did not end up needing).
• Offer to help with practical things: cleaning, laundry, driving kids to activities, school drop off or pick up - On bad days I did have people pick my kids up from school. I also had offers for cleaning and laundry I did not need to utilize. 
• Visit - I had a plethora of visitors the first few days after my surgery. A few brought me a special lunch. One brought me a book. One brought fruit for my kids. A few brought me a coffee. 
• Send a "downtime" gift for recovery - One friend sent me a movie gift card to download movies to watch during recovery.
• Send a treat - three of my old roommates got together and baked cookies for me and my kids and sent them to me from many states away. In addition to the cookies, they included little gifts for my kids, downtime activities for me (adult coloring books), spa items, etc. 
• Listen. Don't underestimate the power of an ear. Openness to hear the challenges (and victories) means a lot - there are a few friends and sisters I could text or call to cry or vent when something unexpected happened, I was frustrated with the process or celebrating a victory.
• Laugh with them. A person facing breast cancer treatment doesn't want to focus on it 24/7. Time to cut loose, have fun and laugh is a must. I have a few friends, and my sisters when they visited, who I could go out for a gooey dessert, go to a movie, or laugh with. Having fun is a must. My kids helped with that every day, too. Kids are HILARIOUS. I can't believe how many jokes I sent to people about my boobs! I also have one very hilarious fellow support group member who can always make me laugh. She is also one person who consistently checks on me!
• Anything else that you can think of. Think about the particular person you want to help. Think about how they are wired. Do something that fits them! - My MOPS group took it upon themselves to create a list of MANY things they were willing to do and had the steering team pass it around. It was so very generous - too generous. I did not need help with many of the things they volunteered for, but I was so touched by their generosity.

None of this is easy. All of it is a risk. But it is a risk worth taking, It might seem scary or vulnerable, and it can be. In the end, though, the result is much more significant than you could ever imagine! 

In two weeks I am having my reconstructive surgery with fat grafting (July 12). Looking back on how much has already been done for me, I don't feel worthy to receive another thing from anyone. It is SO difficult to ask. Yet, I have asked for what I need, and I would like to thank everyone for all of the help and kindness. I could not and can not get through this without all of the support. I am more than grateful! 

One of my favorite things is to help others. I look for opportunities to serve and when I recognize a need I can fill (I know I miss a lot of them), I see it as a blessing and a way to show love to others. Both serving and being served is a blessing. The latter has been very difficult for me in many ways. This season of life has allowed me to let go of my self-sufficiency enough to accept the blessing of being served and making myself vulnerable enough to accept love. I am so grateful for this experience in many areas. This is only one. I pray that I can bless others even a fraction of the extent that I have been blessed. 

Read other posts in this series:

Maxed Out Minivan
To start at part one go here:
Part 1: Stage Zero What?