Pre-Surgery

A guest post by an anonymous writer, which will be an ongoing series. 
Please join us on her journey!

As I write this, I am less than 12 hours away from my surgery, which will take place at 11 a.m. on February 28.  I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. I am nervous, in waves. I do not have anxiety or fear about it in most moments, luckily. But those moments come that I do. I had a short time of fear of dying during surgery. The fear was not for me, but for the family, I would leave behind, especially my children. That fear dissipated for the most part for several weeks and this week it has crept back up on me again. In these moments I take a deep breath and remind myself of all that I know and am brought back to a peace that passes all understanding.

I am somewhat concerned about the long road of recovery, and emotional reactions I may have.  Last week I met with a Physical Therapist and was told some things to expect. Other things have been told me by other survivors. And yet others are from my own experience. Here are some of the things I am trying to prepare myself for (though I think nothing could really prepare me):

• Difficulty in movement - I was told that for several weeks, up to a month, I will have limited arm mobility and very weak arm strength. This will make getting up from a lying down position impossible for a while, requiring me to sit up to sleep. This is because the pectoral muscles are completely separated to insert the expanders for reconstruction underneath. Apparently, even when not pushing up from elbow or arm, these muscles are even used to sit up from the core. Other things that will be difficult (or impossible) are dressing, combing and washing hair, applying makeup, washing my face, eating and drinking (especially the first couple days) and other things I generally take for granted!
• Lift limit - I will have a lift limit of 5 lbs for 2-4 weeks, depending on how fast I heal. I will not be able to lift my kids, do laundry, grocery shop, etc during this time.
• Drain bags - Four drain bags will be in for 2-4 weeks and need to be emptied and measured daily. This seems daunting
• Emotional reaction - Many women are surprised or dismayed by the appearance of their bodies, especially in the beginning before healing has started. I am preparing myself for this reality. Additionally, I expect I will have some emotional response about the inability to breastfeed. I expect this considering I already get choked up thinking I have my last time to nurse the morning of surgery, which is way too soon!
• Reconstruction waiting - waiting for reconstruction is a long process with weekly appointments to fill the expanders. I expect living in my body for those 8-12 weeks will feel odd.

I am sure there is much more that I will discover along the way. In the meantime, I am very grateful to have family helping for almost three weeks and great, supportive friends and many people praying for me. I am also grateful that I have been walking this with a peace that I would never have thought possible in this situation. But it is! 

My greatest wish is that God uses my journey to help someone who reads this series. God uses broken things for good. I pray He uses me.

"Now I'm just a beggar in the presence of a King

I wish I could bring You so much more

But if it's true You use broken things

Then here I am Lord, I am all Yours"

Read other posts in this series:
Maxed Out Minivan

To start at part one go here:
Part 1: Stage Zero What?

Humor Helps!

A guest post by an anonymous writer, which will be an ongoing series. 
Please join us on her journey! 

Throughout this journey thus far, one thing that has helped tremendously is laughter. Whether making light of the situation, being silly with my kids, or watching a funny movie, laughter really is good medicine.

A few funny things have happened that I probably will never forget:

• Before my biopsy I told my sister "worst case scenario, I can get new boobs"! It was totally a joke at the time because I NEVER thought it would be true. However, I was trying to use laughter instead of fear to cope.
• During my biopsy, the nurse kept coming over to tell me what was going on. I was laying on my stomach in a very awkward and uncomfortable position. One of the times she came up, I told her "this is like the worst massage ever"!
• This third one was pretty humiliating but also hilarious. After my second biopsy, I went directly to get a mammogram, because they take images to make sure they got the entire area to be biopsied. I took down my robe off my shoulder, looked down, and there was a long black hair growing out of my nipple! How I never noticed that before then, I do not know.  So the entire time of the biopsy the doctor saw that!

I have been so blessed with friends and family to laugh with! And I have the ability to laugh without fear of the future because my hope is in the Lord!

Read other posts in this series:

Maxed Out Minivan

To start at part one go here:

Part 1: Stage Zero What?

Weaning

A guest post by an anonymous writer, which will be an ongoing series. 
Please join us on her journey!

First off, let me say, forced weaning is NO fun! I am THAT mom who believes that, ideally, weaning should happen when both Mom and baby are ready. Obviously, that is rarely the case based on many conversations I have had with many moms. Most babies wean before the mom is ready, or the mom is ready when the baby is not. With my first two children I was blessed and both mom and baby weaned relatively easily with a gentle weaning, "don't offer, don't refuse" approach.

The only time I have cried during this entire ordeal is the day I was recommended mastectomy for treatment. I cried, not for the loss of a breast, but for loss of breastfeeding, at a specified time and not when we were both ready for that transition. Being my last child, I assumed I would nurse my child as long as he wanted to, up to age three. Suddenly that wasn't an option for me. I reasoned that I COULD potentially just nurse on one side, and have a mastectomy on the affected side only. In the end, I realized this may be difficult for us both emotionally and practically, as my now toddler has always preferred the affected side.

I had a great plan laid out after I decided to go ahead and have a mastectomy on both sides. I had more or less dropped the morning nursing and was nursing mostly at nap time and bedtime. I thought I could just drop the bedtime nursing as long as Dad could do bedtime and would do nap time nursing only up until surgery day. This was not practical once it came down to actually doing it, as my husband travels 40% of the time.

In the last few weeks, I decided to stop struggling with it so much (refusing to nurse at night) and just enjoy these last days of nursing!  It has been bittersweet. Every time I nurse my son to sleep I realize these are our last days. It both helps me to enjoy and not rush that time, and breaks my heart, simultaneously.

For almost three weeks after surgery, another caregiver will be doing nap time and bedtime, and by the time I am doing those things again, it will have been 20 days of no nursing for him. I assume by then he will be used to not nursing and will not ask. However, I am prepared that he might and will deal with that then. I have been preparing him that soon the milk will be gone because the doctor has to take "yucky stuff" out which will also take away the milk. He understands, but is not happy about it. The other day he told me "Why does the doctor have to take it out? I don't want the doctor to take it out". Other days I ask him "what will we do when I can't nurse anymore"?  He says "just rock". So I know he understands.  And although this breaks my heart more than any other part of this, I know we will be okay.  He is my precious boy and we will find other ways to comfort and bond.

I am praying for peace and calm in this process and, so far, I have received it. God is good. He will help us through this transition. And I will always cherish these last days of nursing, more than I ever would have had this not been the way it ended. It's a blessing, really. 

Read other posts in this series:

Maxed Out Minivan
To start at part one go here:
Part 1: Stage Zero What?

The Upside(s) - Brand New Boobs!

A guest post by an anonymous writer, which will be an ongoing series. 

Please join us on her journey!

How many times do you think I have heard "at least you will have nice boobs" or some other version of that statement since I started telling people I was having a mastectomy? More than I can count! It is understandable in some ways. Even I was guilty of thinking that, in the beginning. I thought "worst case scenario, I will get new boobs" after I found out I needed a biopsy. Little did I know it would ever become a reality. Additionally, I did not realize all a mastectomy with reconstruction entails.  

“I wish I would have known my reconstruction process was a work in progress,” says Megan, recently diagnosed in late 2014. “You’re not just waking up from surgery with fabulous, perky boobs. People will say, ‘At least you are getting new boobs as a result of cancer.’ But, it’s more like a six-month science project, and it’s not fun.”

This statement is from Post-mastectomy fashion: 4 things I wish I'd known before. This article talks about being comfortable between mastectomy and reconstruction (8-12 weeks in most cases) and also how things fit when reconstruction is complete. One thing I did not expect and am not looking forward to is finding a bra that fits (or a swimsuit for that matter)!  Apparently, regular bras don't fit reconstructed breasts for many women. Reconstructed breasts don't have the "give" that natural breasts have. So, rather than trying to mold into the clothes, the clothes have to mold to you.

"Reconstructed breasts in no way resemble natural breasts. Attempting to wear a top that used to give you killer cleavage may only end in frustration.

“Though your breasts may be the same size as they were before, they are not the same.” says Jeannine, who was diagnosed at 26 and underwent a bilateral mastectomy with latissimus flap reconstruction. “The density, shape and consistency of implants are vastly different than that of normal breast tissue, and radiation can completely alter your skin and muscle. This must be taken into consideration when choosing clothing. Your implants don’t squish into things, and they don't move for you. I had to get stuck in a few items of clothes in dressing rooms to learn that lesson.” "

Despite these difficulties, which I did NOT expect, there are some upsides to having a mastectomy (some of these are totally silly, so please forgive me):

• I will get to have "young" looking breasts (though not mine and difficult to manage, they will probably look great).
• I get to buy a new swimsuit.
• I will have time to catch up on my DVR'd shows and read while I recover.
• I will get some delicious meals brought to me and cooked by others.
• I get to have TWO sisters visit in 2 weeks time!
• My kids get time with their aunties and more time with Dad than usual.
• I get a break from doing bedtime and grocery shopping for a bit (ha!).
• I get to meet some fabulous people I would not otherwise have met.
• Most of all, I am growing closer to God and seeking Jesus, my Savior in everything.

Through this journey thus far, I have experienced more moments of peace and pure joy than I have during any other time of my life!  That, my friend, can only be the work of God!

You have turned for me my mourning into dancing;

you have loosed my sackcloth

and clothed me with gladness,

that my glory may sing your praise and not be silent.

O Lord my God, I will give thanks to you forever!

Ps 30:11-12 ESV

Read other posts in this series:

Maxed Out Minivan
To start at part one go here:
Part 1: Stage Zero What?

How to Make a Breast Cast

A guest post by an anonymous writer, which will be an ongoing series. 
Please join us on her journey!

Shortly after I found out that mastectomy was in the cards for me, I decided it might be a good idea to make a breast cast.  I knew people did belly casts while pregnant to remember their pregnant form, so why not do a breast cast to remember my pre-surgery body, as I did not think photos would do it justice?

The first step was to find a video or instructions.  I was unable to find such a video, so I set out to make my own.  I found many belly casting videos, some of which included the breast area, so I decided to pattern mine after those.  I found instructions and the supplies needed and went to work to prepare.

Later, I had help making the breast cast, which was a great bonding experience, to say the least!  It's not every day you get to have other women videoing and touching your breasts!  In the end, I am very happy I did it and will cherish it I am sure.  

Supplies:

• Petroleum jelly
• Plaster cloth
• Scissors
• Warm water
• Plastic drop cloth or old towel

Steps:

1. Cut strips into 3 sizes - Four 2 x 5 strips, several strips about 1 x 6, several long strips the width of the torso.
2. Apply a generous amount of petroleum jelly to the entire area to be covered by the breast cast.
3. Wet and apply strips. Use 2 x 5 strips to cover each breast in an X formation.
4. Continue to apply the several longer strips to cover the X formations.
5. Apply longest strips to the torso area.
6. Wait 15-20 minutes and let the cast dry.
7. Remove and wait at least 24 hours before sanding and embellishing the breast cast.  

I have not had a chance to sand or paint my breast cast yet.  I am looking forward to that experience as well!  I hope this helps someone commemorate their pre-surgery form!  

And remember, whoever you are, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!  

Read other posts in this series: 
Maxed Out Minivan
To start at part one go here:
Part 1: Stage Zero What?

Preparing Advance Directives

A guest post by an anonymous writer, which will be an ongoing series. 

Please join us on her journey!

If you have ever had a baby or had surgery, no doubt you have been asked if you have advance directives. Advance directives are a way to communicate your wishes for health care in advance, should you become unable to make them yourself and regarding your medical treatment in circumstances in which you are no longer able to express informed consent. A Living Will is the document which expresses your wishes for care while the Healthcare Power of Attorney gives a named individual a right to make decisions regarding your healthcare and medical treatment. Healthcare Power of Attorney becomes active when a person is unable to make decisions or consciously communicate intentions regarding treatments. It also indicates a start and end date.

It may seem morbid to do this. I decided to do this because I have a fear of having a complication or dying during surgery. I am not afraid for myself, for I know where my home is after death. I am afraid for my family, should anything happen. I also do not want anyone to have to make decisions without knowing my wishes.

Anytime there is surgery or a situation that may, even in a rare circumstance, result in your being unable to make medical decisions, it is a very good idea to have advance directives. It accomplishes two things: 

1. It ensures that your wishes are communicated to medical staff and to the individual named as Healthcare Power of Attorney.
2. It takes pressure off of the person who will be making the decisions in the event of a need because your wishes are already known. It is a gift to do so, to the family member who will be responsible.

It is not necessary to hire an attorney to complete these documents. Many templates can be found online. I used eforms.com for a free trial. Once signed in front of a notary and notarized or signed in front of two non-family witnesses, they become legal documents. It is a good idea to make additional copies to be held by other responsible parties.

I want to also address the need to accept help in this blog, as it is related and something I am currently struggling with. Since the beginning of this journey, I decided I would handle everything on my own, and with my husband. I did not tell anyone about what was going on until very recently. I did not ask anyone for help. I did not join any support groups. I insisted no family come to help with the kids after surgery. However, that did not last long. People started offering help. I joined a support group, have a meal calendar set up, many people praying for me, family coming to help after surgery, a nurse friend lined up to come help me with my drains the first few days and more.

Accepting help is very hard for me, but necessary! I want things done a certain way and want my kids' lives as normal as possible. I am so used to taking care of other people that the idea of having someone take care of me or my responsibilities is difficult. I really didn't realize how much it was bothering me until today. The past few weeks several people have urged me to take help. Today my nurse friend and my sister who is a nurse also told me the same thing. My only job for as long as I can get help is to heal. That will ensure that I don't get an infection and can begin taking care of everything again sooner.

It also occurred to me that denying help would be both prideful and would rob others of the opportunity to help, an opportunity we are called to provide.

Romans 12:13 Share with the Lord's people who are in need. Practice hospitality.

Read other posts in this series:
Maxed Out Minivan
To start at part one go here:
Part 1: Stage Zero What?

Blessings

A guest post by an anonymous writer, which will be an ongoing series. 

Please join us on her journey!

Praise God from whom all blessings flow; Praise Him, all creatures here below; 

Praise Him above, ye heavenly host: Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost

It seems odd to say that many blessings have come from this experience, but they have.  At the beginning of this journey, I just treated it like "nothing".  I did not give any thought to it most of the time and went about my life as usual.  I was not open to the possibility of it adding anything to my life, positive or negative.  I was determined it would not affect me in the least.  That lasted a very short time.  I immediately was given many blessings, though I did not acknowledge them.  After all, what good could possibly come from it?

I was more annoyed than anything, about trying to fit in so many doctor appointments and the prospect of recovering from any surgery while taking care of my family.  With my (few) friends busy with their own families, and no family where I live, it seemed near impossible to fit it all in.  I was functioning as if it were just another thing to fit into my crazy, busy life with young kids and a husband who travels a lot.  That's enough to handle most days!  I did not approach the situation with much thought of it affecting me in any meaningful way.

Along the way, God has provided me so many blessings and I am sure that more will follow.

1. A peace that passes all understanding - I said in my first post that people have been surprised by how I am handling my diagnosis and the road that lies ahead.  This cannot be explained.  My MO is NOT calm and peace.  My MO in facing big (and even seemingly small) things is to think my life is over, get depressed, think about how unfair it is, get stuck.  That has not happened this time, and not by any willpower or effort on my part.  It just is.  It is not me who is doing things to have this peace.  It is God, gifting it to me!  
2. An opportunity to get healthier - I have trouble doing all of the things to be healthy that I need to do.  Since my diagnosis, I have seen the need to do what I need for future cancer prevention, exercise, drink more water, sleep better and eat better.  It is just the motivation I needed for change!
3. Seeing my faith grow - Related to the above, I was completely surprised by my response.  It has been like watching someone else go through it in a way.  This has allowed me to see myself more clearly and to see not only how strong my faith is, but also to see where I can change, where God is leading me to change.  This has caused me to seek the Lord, but also to see Him everywhere.
4. Noticing the little things - This is such a cliche when people face their mortality for any reason, but it is very true.  I appreciate things like the sun, moon, and nature in general.  I delight in my children even more than I ever did.  I see how much does not matter in this life.  My life on this Earth is temporary.  What does matter comes to the forefront in times like these.
5. New friends - I have found people who have become friends in many ways related to this diagnosis.  I have found people willing to help, listen or pray for/with me who have become friends.  I have found people who have gone through similar things.   This has helped me cope and has helped me feel less lonely on this journey.  I am so grateful!
6. The desire to have another baby decreased - After my last baby, we were "done".  However, I always still hoped for one more.  Since I found out about the recommended treatment of mastectomy, I have not desired for another baby.  This is because if I could not nurse, I would not want another baby.  This is a sad blessing in some ways, but I am very happy that my family no longer feels incomplete in my heart.
7. Opportunity to help others - In short, I have found that I can use this experience to help others.  This has already come to fruition through this blog, but also in other ways that I see I may be able to help others in the future because of what I have gone experienced.  
8. God speaking to me - Mostly, God has spoken to me about this experience in so many ways, whether that be a kind word from someone at just the right time, a song, a prayer, or a verse that comes to mind.  One of my favorites, which also came to me at just the right time when I was feeling fearful and upset over another experience in the past is 

Isaiah 55: 8-9 (ESV)

For my thoughts are not your thoughts,

neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.

For as the heavens are higher than the earth,

so are my ways higher than your ways

and my thoughts than your thoughts.

This song has also been a gift. It assures me that God knows what He is doing.  He did not cause this illness. But He WILL use it for good in my life!

Read other posts in this series:
Maxed Out Minivan
To start at part one go here:
Part 1: Stage Zero What?