A guest post by an anonymous writer, which will be an ongoing series.
Please join us on her journey!
As I write this, I am less than 12 hours away from my surgery, which will take place at 11 a.m. on February 28. I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. I am nervous, in waves. I do not have anxiety or fear about it in most moments, luckily. But those moments come that I do. I had a short time of fear of dying during surgery. The fear was not for me, but for the family, I would leave behind, especially my children. That fear dissipated for the most part for several weeks and this week it has crept back up on me again. In these moments I take a deep breath and remind myself of all that I know and am brought back to a peace that passes all understanding.
I am somewhat concerned about the long road of recovery, and emotional reactions I may have. Last week I met with a Physical Therapist and was told some things to expect. Other things have been told me by other survivors. And yet others are from my own experience. Here are some of the things I am trying to prepare myself for (though I think nothing could really prepare me):
- Difficulty in movement - I was told that for several weeks, up to a month, I will have limited arm mobility and very weak arm strength. This will make getting up from a lying down position impossible for a while, requiring me to sit up to sleep. This is because the pectoral muscles are completely separated to insert the expanders for reconstruction underneath. Apparently, even when not pushing up from elbow or arm, these muscles are even used to sit up from the core. Other things that will be difficult (or impossible) are dressing, combing and washing hair, applying makeup, washing my face, eating and drinking (especially the first couple days) and other things I generally take for granted!
- Lift limit - I will have a lift limit of 5 lbs for 2-4 weeks, depending on how fast I heal. I will not be able to lift my kids, do laundry, grocery shop, etc during this time.
- Drain bags - Four drain bags will be in for 2-4 weeks and need to be emptied and measured daily. This seems daunting
- Emotional reaction - Many women are surprised or dismayed by the appearance of their bodies, especially in the beginning before healing has started. I am preparing myself for this reality. Additionally, I expect I will have some emotional response about the inability to breastfeed. I expect this considering I already get choked up thinking I have my last time to nurse the morning of surgery, which is way too soon!
- Reconstruction waiting - waiting for reconstruction is a long process with weekly appointments to fill the expanders. I expect living in my body for those 8-12 weeks will feel odd.
I am sure there is much more that I will discover along the way. In the meantime, I am very grateful to have family helping for almost three weeks and great, supportive friends and many people praying for me. I am also grateful that I have been walking this with a peace that I would never have thought possible in this situation. But it is!
My greatest wish is that God uses my journey to help someone who reads this series. God uses broken things for good. I pray He uses me.
"Now I'm just a beggar in the presence of a King
I wish I could bring You so much more
But if it's true You use broken things
Then here I am Lord, I am all Yours"
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